Wanting things is a problem. If I could just not care about anything, then no problems. No fear of losing out. No fear of death or pain. Just lie here in tranquility until my body shuts down, and gets returned to the earth. These atoms could be put to such better use in someone else. Someone without a me in their mind, twisting and tormenting them.
But there is wanting. There is attachment. There is fear. So I will lie here a while longer. But then I will get up, and continue the pretense that there is good reason for this organism to continue.
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thankfully atoms particularly carbon atoms are particularly unpriced below the half metric ton measure, because we’ve got so much of it. So you’re carbon, salt and water, dash of calcium, dash of iron, tons of micronutrients not taken as more than 1% of the whole.
I keep telling my therapists, ambition and desire are the most painful afflictions ever beset on a human being. They say usually they have to motivate others, and I said that made them monsters. I’m that kind of monster too, for reference. So, you are where I am, admitting that desiring these things does us no good. I plan to live on after I remove myself of desires. It’s going to be a different version of me, more laid back, less intense…. I could do that. I think you’d find you could too, under the right condition you could wait 100 years to die and not feel impatient.
Hmmm, yeah, I guess it should’ve been ‘waste of the the resources required to maintain these atoms in a human form.’ Or something.
I’m not sure I understand the plan to live on, absent the desire to live on?
it’s a surrender, a submission that whatever you want to call it; culture, society, the universe, people just don’t want to let you go. It’s an impressed attitude that anyone cares enough to stop you, especially after how long you’ve felt worthless, useless.
I’m trying to let go of ego, that which says “it should be as I prefer it”, because it isn’t, and no amount of my complaining can change that. The only life worth having is one I give away, and one that I enthusiastically would prefer not to be in…. it makes sense in how it doesn’t. Life is a great paradox, many hands pulling in many directions. Sometimes you just lay back and let the tide wash you away. It’s what the moon wants, maybe it has something going, maybe I don’t know enough to appreciate where the ocean will take me.
Why not approach what’s out of your reach? and kindly at that… so many push what they want away… and they stay stuck… what’s the point of even hiding… if I’m on the right page here.
What the hell is a waste of atoms supposed to be? What better place does the tiny fraction of the universe’s mass in you have to be? There’s no way to judge the best use for some carbon.
If we’re talking about meaning in people’s life, other people don’t have any, either. Things only make sense at a certain scale. While you’re working and cooking and going to the bathroom, a couple of ants have spent all day moving some mud. While both you and the ant lived your respective days, a random tree somewhere has just lived its 100th birthday. Outside of earth, it’s one less (earth) day, the sun has burned. Outside the galaxy, another star is born. And all in all, it’s one day closer to the death of the universe, and perhaps the birth of a new one.
There seems to be no reason for any organism to continue. But honestly, the time we’re here for is so insignificant it doesn’t make a difference whether we end today or in a million years. So we might as well scale down a little, celebrate the possible birthdays of trees and accept the meaninglessness of life.