Last night

I laid in bed last night thinking everything over. The different pros and cons of different places I would do it. The pros and cons of how I do it. I did some research and I think I’ve settled on a method and a place. Now I’m just waiting for the time. I’ve made my amends and I’ve come to terms with everything and this is the conclusion I’ve come to:

I don’t care who finds me, nor do I care what happens after I’m gone. I don’t care how this will affect the area, nor do I care about the people I’ll be leaving behind. This is the first thing I have done for myself in a long time that hasn’t first gone through the “Family and Friends” filter. I have my goodbyes written, I have my explanation in place. The last thing I have to do is settle on a time. I’m thinking some time next year. Screw graduating, I was never going to make it in the “real world”.

I wonder what waits for me at the end of this road. Heaven? Hell? Eternal nothing-ness? Or maybe I’ll be reincarnated. Last night I came up with a theory that I think would be pretty neat. It’s a bit of a mix of the multi-verse theory and reincarnation. It makes sense to me. I don’t think I was meant for this world.

As I laid in bed trying to sleep, I smiled. I don’t think I’ve felt this much relief in years. I don’t have to worry about anything because I won’t be here for much longer. I can enjoy my life without having to worry about the future. Because in all reality, what’s so great about this life of mine? I spent ten years in therapy, and for what? My relationship with my family is a shitstorm on a good day and I haven’t made any kind of impact on the world.

I can remember a time when I was so full of hope and the dreams I used to have. I’ve tried to rekindle that feeling, but it’s gone. Nothing makes me happy for long. Sometimes I feel a little bit of that old sparkle and I think, “Maybe I can do this.” But it never lasts long. A few hours at most. Then it’s back to normal. I know this sounds cliché, but I don’ feel like I have anything to live for. The people who used to make me feel like I could conquer the world are now the ones who make me feel like I’ll never amount to anything.

I think after all of this is over my only regret will be my mom. After everything I’ve put her through, she doesn’t deserve this. But even still, I can only muster so much concern for it. I know it’s the coward’s route, but I don’t care anymore.