I’ve been thinking quite a bit, (my therapist called me an insightful person today, that’s progress). I’m well aware that I’m absurd, and that probably isn’t going to change. I think I’m done taking anything seriously that doesn’t have to be. Life is short, we’re all in this til the end. I have enough stuff. I have enough people. What I lack is enough kindness to myself. I think I’m just going to go with that. This year I turned 33, and with that age and frailty comes a greater acceptance of my own mortality, and a presence of mind that life is too short to be stressed all the time. I want children, that’s it. Everything else, could be done without. I’ve spent my whole life going without due to budgetary constraints, and now that I have given up on the rat race I’m thinking about seeing how rich a life I can live mostly on the money I already have. My uncles did it. I think that’s where my parents are too.
Anyway. I found this video of a man doing a duet with a puppet, and you can see on his face he knows how silly and absurd it is. Yet, he’s happy, and that’ll have to be enough;
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Judging from your posts, you’ve always been an extremely insightful person, so that’s not new, if I may say. I hope I’ll turn 33 someday… And learn these lessons as you do. I’m having a very tough time to sort out my self-worth. Children sound like a good way, to find a deeper meaning in life and some happiness. You’re looking at it in a practical way, which is great but I think they just want to be loved… It messes people up to not have had the love they needed. They can however live without an Xbox 😛
the thing to realize is that everyone is doing their best. I just got back from tending to a sick friend, she’s beating herself up because her boyfriend walked out on her. Never a fun day, but it’s who I am, I compulsively help. She’s so smart and tough, but she’s so hard on herself, probably why we get along so well. Trying to get her to see what an amazing person she is means I have to admit that I’m not as much of a failure as I feel some days.
Honestly though, until that other day no one had noticed me being insightful. I coasted through my last few years of undergrad ending this time last year. Lots of praise, lots of big tough solvable problems, academia is heaven for those of us who like a premade tough puzzle. Then I went to work for the state, where every day for eight months I felt like a certified idiot. It was incomprehensible day after incomprehensible day. I began to come unglued, I was so obsessed about solving what I realize now, for me, was unsolvable. I can’t respect a job where I don’t respect myself.
I have no idea where I’m going, and no idea why anyone would want work out of me, and I’m okay with being nothing, no one. It’s better than feeling less than, unwanted. That difference is the key to self love. Just because there isn’t a market for what you offer doesn’t make it any less worthwhile. Other people’s values are shit as often as not.
You are the only one who can love yourself. I know how hard that is, but you’ve got a sense of humor, that means you’ve already got some of the tools necessary to forgive yourself. I appreciate your feedback, sometimes I get stuck in my own head.
::hug::