A Transmasc Vents

Some stuff to know first
I am a teen 13-17
I’m trans-masc, went through puberty at 9 and realized at 12 so I’m stuck in a stupid female body
Parents that don’t actually parent
I think that’s sit

(Writing this a while after- this gets progressively more and more depressing as it goes on. So, I apologize for that- also mentions topics of cancer and transphobia, body dysphoria. All of that jazz.

So just last weekend (Today is Tuesday the 7th of December) my mother, who I thought was all supporting of me called me down by the name I go by. Joey. I went down to her as fast as I could- knowing if i didn’t she was just gonna blow up at me. And when I went downstairs, she just called me my dead name. She said it like it was nothing. I tried to stand upto her telling her she needs to respect my name- but she called me a “disrespectful *****” for changing my birthname. I’m a kid with really high anxiety so I just ran into my room crying and didn’t talk for the whole day. This really fucking hurt cause I seriously thought she accepted me. She always uses Joey, she always uses he/him. But just that day she just wanted to call me it. I feel like its all a lie. I was never seen as a guy to her and I never will be. I never will be to anyone. To everyone im just a girl. Ill never be a real boy no matter how much I wish for it. Im a girl and always will be even if I say my name is Joey or say im a guy- im a girl to them. and im so uncomfortable with that. Sometimes I consider cutting my chest off cause its too big and my binder doesnt hide it. I started drinking alcohol seeing online that it could give brest cancer. Does anyone know if that is true? i also started eating less but i only lost 10 pounds and its nowhere near my goal of 100 cause im 240 pounds at 5’6 idk where im going with this im just gonna end here