I only feel real when I cut myself. The real me is trapped inside somewhere, and I can only bring him out by hurting myself. The real me is lost, I’m somewhere in there in the blood.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
6 comments
You cannot damage your perceived fake self without also damaging your true self. You might think your true self is in your blood, but every time you hurt yourself, you paradoxically push your real self farther from your grasp.
If you truly, truly desire to possess your true self again, you cannot achieve it by continuing to self-harm.
We do not require the acceptance of others, but for happiness to exist, we MUST accept ourselves.
For the record, I could stand to take my own advice, here.
I totally get this. SH gives me a brief (very brief, like 30 sec) rush of clarity and I feel like my old self, sharp, aware, even “hopeful”. But those 30 sec are replaced with something like 30 hours of self hate and destruction. But the addiction is trying to find that old self in there, at any cost. Even 30 sec reminds me that I am/was alive once.
PS I’m currently experimenting with drugs to replace SH. Not the ideal solution but yk… harm reduction. Have you tried anything like that?
The only thing that ever helped me was marijuana, but it hurts me at the same time. I’ve never had a good high, it makes me extremely paranoid and I tweak and black out. But after being peer pressured into smoking it for 5 months, I suddenly changed completely and was way less angry & stupid, more in control, in complete control of my emotions actually, I was a different person. I was the real me. Btw I’ve only self harmed a few times, I’ve just finally gotten to the point that it’s like this… I don’t know what to do.
man that sucks to hear about marijuana, I’ve never tried it but I’ve read a few posts on here that say it helps the most. Also read a few posts from long time users who say it’s killing them. So overall ig not a good thing.
Have you tried benadryl? Cheap, safe and legal. Well… nothing’s “safe” in the hands of a suicidal person lol. But relatively.
There’s actually some logic here. Whatever is masking the “real you” must be a chemical thing. If a SH high can bring it out, or a drug, then we should be able to hit it with the right chemicals to bring it out for real. ig that’s what antidepressants, antipsychotics & other prescription meds try to do, bring out the real you, then taper off the drug and it’s supposed to hold. idk man something’s gotta work