I’m losing hope for myself and this world. Why is it only constant battles? Constant suffering? What is even the point of me continuing to wake up and live through another day?… I’m really tired of hurting. I’m starting to have a very bitter outlook on people and the world, it doesn’t help anything and I’m just as much scum as anything else…
My mom finally told me some things today, about our family on her side. Her bio. mom has ruined everything with mom’s family out of state, and now all they do is fight and guilt trip and play the blame game. They drag me into it, but for a while, I had no idea what I was being dragged into, for they said nothing. I’m still a child it seems. That’s all anyone has ever done around me. They pull me aside to tell me how shitty the other family members are, but then it turns out they’re lying. Everyone just fucking lies. It makes me sick of the uncertainty, never knowing who to trust, I can’t even trust the people my age. I remember how my mom’s mom told me that if I were to move back to my hometown (where I live now), I would be a nobody and have no friends and be completely unsuccessful. I now live there after my mom couldn’t handle me being suicidal and shipped me off with my dad, who just doesn’t believe it’s real or something. Everybody makes me sick. Nothing is ever enough for anyone and there’s no point for me to try anymore, yet pathetically I still seek some sort of validation. It’s pathetic and selfish.
My stepdad, the guy that I thought was better than my dad, the one I got very close to, has been consistently cheating on my mom. I really trusted this guy. That was stupid of me, and just as selfish, because we would talk about and wonder why mom would act the way she does (so bitter… mean at times). We would both (jokingly) make fun of her and my sisters too. Class clowns essentially, just not in a school setting. Overall, I guess it explains a lot with how everyone’s been acting. It just makes me sad. I thought things were stable in my family now. I realize it probably never was, I don’t think stability even exists anymore. I’m graduating soon, off to become an adult supposedly. This shouldn’t bother me like it does. None of it should, but the truth is that I never grew up. Some people, especially my mom’s mom would always tell me how “mature” I was and would compliment me only to tell me all sorts of things about my mom and other people. I believed them every time, simply because they acted nice. Until they were done with the act, and they would yell at me, telling me I don’t do enough, or just get angry at every little thing I do, or simply cease talking to me for days. I’m angry at myself for how trivial all of this really is, I was probably a bad child anyway, and I’m no better now.
I’ve had a really bad few weeks. I just don’t feel okay. I just want to run away. I want to end everything. I have to end the pain myself, I guess. I feel as if I’m being pushed over that edge, by both inside and outside forces. I didn’t ask for any of it. I don’t know what I did to deserve it exactly. I try my best every day to be better than I am, treat everyone well, to stop being this pathetic bitter version of myself. A pathetic child. A failure. I’m so weak.
Just wanted to get all of that out somewhere, I guess. My partner is at work at the moment. They’ve been the only one I’ve been able to talk to about anything. It makes me feel so burdensome… they tell me it’s okay though, and I’m just trying to believe them. I feel so alone, I just want to feel their arms around me again, but I have to wait. It hurts a lot. Everything just hurts… a lot.
All I can do for now is find more music to download and listen to, or do my art, play my animal crossing game, maybe even write. I’ve started a writing project that I want to try and continue it, maybe even finish it. Seeing as I’m barely motivated enough to shower every day (which my mom is so quick to remind me how gross and stupid that is, even after telling her I struggle) I wonder how long I’ll be motivated to continue it.
But anyway, sorry for the bothersome read. I wish I could word things better.
2 comments
Hey, you formatted into discrete paragraphs, 4/5 easy to read well formatted.
It seems like your family has done quite a number on you. No matter how many mistakes you make, you have worth, and you have that just by being you. Everyone makes mistakes.
needing validation though, I can relate…. what specifically feels like a battle? I’ve found if I can narrow down things to task level, it helps me focus to push through stuff
example, right now, clearing through a list of chores I’d been meaning to do. At the end of the list, I’m supposed to do some computer repair, and I’m anxious about that, because I’m so codependent with my computer. Like you’d think with another computer, a tablet and a smart phone I’d feel less like I’m pulling out my own beating heart and operating on it…
Anyway! Writing is a good escape, fiction or non fiction? I tell people I do both, but non fiction is what gets written way more often. Right now I’m working up an essay on philosophy and comparative religious studies…. which is a really nerdy thing to be doing for me and not for a class.
Also; it’s a huge victory to shower every day, no matter what anyone tells you. If that’s the self care you need, good on you for getting it.
just focus on now, getting through whatever has to be gotten through. You said you’ve had a rough few weeks, which means prior to that maybe things were going better? If so, I hope you can return to that relative stability
Dealing with my thoughts and having to do a lot of everyday tasks are some considerable battles for me. Also dealing with people for an extended period of time. Sure, I have up to 2 people I could be around all day without being tired, but the point still stands.
Mainly I enjoy writing fiction, and I used to write more poetry but I’ve fallen out of it for the time (I still enjoy reading some, though) Your essay sounds super interesting actually, I’m sure it’ll turn out great.
As for the rough few weeks… the best I can explain is that I wasn’t even good for feeling very okay beforehand, but it just gets worse periodically. And the moments and the lengths are worse, until it’s the new normal for me. I don’t ever really feel okay unless I’m on the phone texting my partner (basically my person now – not possessively but I hope you know what I mean) – sometimes not even then. But they keep me going, so there’s that.
But yeah anyway… I appreciate you replying, and I hope things are going okay for you.