So this doesn’t apply as much to you young folks, bc you still have a chance. But for us single middle age folk- if we haven’t been able to find a suitable person to want to be with us by now, what chance is that going to happen in the next 5 years? or even 10 years (although at that point we’re getting pretty fucking old).
There’s the “left over” theory- ie those that are good quality men and women, get snatched up early. Those who are left, well, they’re not really desirable- people who are poor, ugly, disabled, depressed, unmotivated, unproductive, not smart, etc. Who would want someone who’s depressed when they can have someone who ISN’T depressed? Who would want someone poor when they can have someone at least middle income? Who would want someone who is always moaning about life vs someone who can go out and have fun and laugh and enjoy shit? Or just someone who could hold down a job?
So if someone is middle age and still single- what hope is there that we can meet someone GOOD quality our age? If they are single, then they are in the left over category too, meaning they also have issues, and thus not “good quality”?
And 2 ppl with issues is NOT a good combo. I’ve seen them get together IRL and it’s a shitstorm if someone who is bipolar is with a schizo or whatever label they are.
Yes, while I know I, myself, am in the “left over” category, I still want someone normal and stable, bc otherwise why would I want to be with someone who’s just as fucked up as me? I need stability, normality, love. But what normal stable person wants me? I am left with only other “leftovers”
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I suppose in terms of “issues”, it’s a question of what you’re prepared to accept in others. As well as what you’re able to offer to compensate for your own issues, relationships being somewhat of an exchange (at least initially.)
I don’t think someone being poor would ever put me off them (but I don’t think dudes generally care as much about that.) Them being unemployed would only be an issue to the extent that they expected me to support them. I do think there’d need to be at least some level of physical attraction, so I probably couldn’t accept someone I considered actually ugly (although that applies to very few people.)
I’m pretty sure I’d be happy to accept someone who was similarly depressed, unmotivated, and unproductive as myself. If they were disabled it would probably depend on what level of additional need that introduced, and what that would require of me.
I do think for a long-term relationship I’d need the person to be smart enough to have a meaningful conversation. I think that’d make a big difference to how lonely I felt. I might compromise on that though, if I cared enough about the person for other reasons.
I think someone would have to be pretty special in other ways for me to accept any level of violence, or other kinds of abusive behaviour (screaming at me for no reason), as I have a pretty low tolerance for conflict. So that would probably rule out certain personality disorders. If someone were delusional or psychotic then it would have to be in a relatively chilled-out, gentle way. But more generally, I think it would have to be someone who is at least somewhat pleasant to be around, at least some of the time. If they’re always putting me in a worse mood, then what’s the point?
So I’d say that leaves a decent percentage of those with “issues” that I’d consider. The real problems arise when it comes to compensating for my own issues.
I’m pretty poor, though at least now I’m employed. I don’t drive, which is a massive red flag (especially living in rural areas.) I’d say in terms of looks I’m average at best, though it’s always hard to assess yourself.
I spend a lot of time weighed down by overwhelming sadness, despair, and regret, though I usually try to hide that from others. I’m reasonably intelligent, but I have pretty crippling social anxiety, so it often doesn’t seem that way around others. And I tend to respond to that by avoiding going out as much as possible. I’m not much fun to be around, though on the plus side I do think I’m a good listener, so I can sometimes do ok in one-on-one conversations. And all that’s before I even get into the more serious issues that I’d have to conceal from a partner.
Which leads me to conclude that unless I do a huge amount of work on myself to compensate for all that, I’m unlikely to ever find someone who wants to be with me (who I’d also be willing to consider). Which sucks.
For yourself, I wouldn’t necessarily hold out for “normality”, but focus more on which issues among your fellow “leftovers” you’d be prepared to accept, which ones would actually make a relationship detrimental, and what you could offer someone else to compensate for your own issues.
Repost (I forgot we can’t say p*rtner)
I suppose in terms of “issues”, it’s a question of what you’re prepared to accept in others. As well as what you’re able to offer to compensate for your own issues, relationships being somewhat of an exchange (at least initially.)
I don’t think someone being poor would ever put me off them (but I don’t think dudes generally care as much about that.) Them being unemployed would only be an issue to the extent that they expected me to support them. I do think there’d need to be at least some level of physical attraction, so I probably couldn’t accept someone I considered actually ugly (although that applies to very few people.)
I’m pretty sure I’d be happy to accept someone who was similarly depressed, unmotivated, and unproductive as myself. If they were disabled it would probably depend on what level of additional need that introduced, and what that would require of me.
I do think for a long-term relationship I’d need the person to be smart enough to have a meaningful conversation. I think that’d make a big difference to how lonely I felt. I might compromise on that though, if I cared enough about the person for other reasons.
I think someone would have to be pretty special in other ways for me to accept any level of violence, or other kinds of abusive behaviour (screaming at me for no reason), as I have a pretty low tolerance for conflict. So that would probably rule out certain personality disorders. If someone were delusional or psychotic then it would have to be in a relatively chilled-out, gentle way. But more generally, I think it would have to be someone who is at least somewhat pleasant to be around, at least some of the time. If they’re always putting me in a worse mood, then what’s the point?
So I’d say that leaves a decent percentage of those with “issues” that I’d consider. The real problems arise when it comes to compensating for my own issues.
I’m pretty poor, though at least now I’m employed. I don’t drive, which is a massive red flag (especially living in rural areas.) I’d say in terms of looks I’m average at best, though it’s always hard to assess yourself.
I spend a lot of time weighed down by overwhelming sadness, despair, and regret, though I usually try to hide that from others. I’m reasonably intelligent, but I have pretty crippling social anxiety, so it often doesn’t seem that way around others. And I tend to respond to that by avoiding going out as much as possible. I’m not much fun to be around, though on the plus side I do think I’m a good listener, so I can sometimes do ok in one-on-one conversations. And all that’s before I even get into the more serious issues that I’d have to conceal from a p*rtner.
Which leads me to conclude that unless I do a huge amount of work on myself to compensate for all that, I’m unlikely to ever find someone who wants to be with me (who I’d also be willing to consider). Which sucks.
For yourself, I wouldn’t necessarily hold out for “normality”, but focus more on which issues among your fellow “leftovers” you’d be prepared to accept, which ones would actually make a relationship detrimental, and what you could offer someone else to compensate for your own issues.
Everything you said makes sense, as you get older your choices get scarce at the same time that your own value declines so it’s a lose-lose. I would say though that young people are at risk from this trap just as much. It’s just drawn out longer so it seems like there’s more hope, but the same formula is at work. Basically: each day it gets harder.
I’m destined to die alone but I put myself in this situation. I’ve always had high standards in a partner, but it’s not because of arrogance. On the contrary, I realized real early that the only way a relationship could work for me long term is if the other person is a very specific type of person, patient, level-headed and open-minded. This is because I’m the opposite, I’m a fucking nightmare on wheels. In other words, I’m not gonna waste anyone’s time unless I know they can be happy with a mess like me. I did find that person once and it was incredible for both of us. But that was a once in a lifetime lottery win. Aint gonna happen again. And it’s for the best because I truly am hell bent on suicide. I would never drag another person down with me, nor do I want anyone holding me back.
Moral of the story: if you’re a hot mess & you’re hell bent on suicide, loneliness is the best thing that could happen to you.
am i a hot mess? certainly i have anger issues and depression, but most of my ills would be fixed if i had enough money to be able to afford better housing/living environment, healthcare that actually helps me, etc.
what i don’t have is certainty that i’ll be ok, financially. if i have no money worries, then all my other issues is more or less stable.
i get what you’re saying. some people are “hot messes” and there’s a certain level of “crazy” to them, and no i wouldn’t want to be with any of those people nor am i one of those people.
i’m just fucking depressed bc 1- i’m poor and lack of money affects so many aspects of quality of life 2- i see how shitty and selfish the human race is 3- i see how society is structured and controlled by the elites and they are the ones causing poverty, ill health, etc bc they’re psychopaths who only care about generating more money for themselves. fuck about destroying the environment or people’s health when the bottom line is all that matters to them. ALL the ills of modern society is engineered, and a result of, vulture capitalism/greed.
i am quite sane. too logical and intellectual in fact. i know too much.
when you know what is truly going on in this world, it’s depressing. and it’s too late to un-know things and stick ones head in sand.
Abraham Lincoln was depressed AF. He was the intellectual kind of depressed that I am. Too aware of the truth.
When I say I’m disabled, I don’t mean I’m in a wheelchair or use crutches to get around. I can do everything on my own, except it’s hard for me to do things like grocery shopping routinely bc i’d rather not spend money on uber, so I wind up lugging that shit home by hand and on foot. Laundry is difficult if it’s not in the house and you have to lug that shit around and go to a laundromat. Again, most of my problems could easily be solved with money / by not being poor.
well, I don’t believe in destiny, any more than I believe you can ride a unicorn to the grocery store
if there is a supreme power capable of planning out the lives of every human being, and this reality is the outcome, that supreme power is either incompetent or possessing of values we can’t possibly relate to
no writer, no storyline, no destiny, no fate, all of these are human inventions intended to ward off despair, and they failed.
well i don’t believe in “destiny” like that either. i meant it metaphorically.
what i meant is, given the trajectory i’m on, given how much i hate the world and humans for what it’s done to me, given how hard it’s been to find someone i actually like and want to be with- and this was the case even when i was young, healthy and doing well- how is that going to happen NOW? Now that I’m middle age and life has gotten worse.
Our world is changing, if you’ll forgive the optimism. More people are waking up to the realities we’ve been discussing that makes us feel so hopeless. Hence, your prospective dating pool is growing. I don’t think disillusionment makes one any less attractive. I’ve certainly had partners that were into it including my current wife. (and see, that’s how cynical it still is, even though our relationship works, I can only ever assume it exists now).
To be honest though, if I were to become single now, I’d probably focus elsewhere until early old age, because the dating dynamics change again somewhere around 55.
Middle age the problem you get is that a large amount of people already have children, so if that’s a deal breaker I can see how it could be pretty lonely. I like and get along with kids, so I can’t relate on that score. Though, there are kids and then there are little monsters. I can relate to that, especially when one sets out to split you up with their parent.
in my most cheerful outlook, people are getting divorced from terrible marriages every day. These people have come to realize that basic human kindness in relationships is a limited quantity and has to be sought after. You swoop in, treat them with basic human decency and they’re thrilled.
I think the question though is what do you want in terms of companionship? Is being alone working better? Do you actually hate everyone?
It only takes the one. One person to be worth spending time with, and given the astounding amount of humans on the planet and their desire towards companionship, I’d say it is probable that you’ll meet someone who fits that, if you want to that is.
I know it takes finding just the one, but do you know how long that takes and how hard it is to find? In my lifetime, I’ve only met 3 guys I liked enough to date. After college, it just gets really hard to meet people, and GOOD people at that. The quality of guys (and I assume girls) go downhill after college, and with each passing year/age.
I suspect you are right about the quality drop off, considering that the market is never as open as it is in the early 20s. You get to mid 30s at least half the population is settled in some way or another, by 40s it’s mostly people who’s first option didn’t work out, and it’s likely they are the reason it didn’t.
Which is what fuels my “maybe alone is better”, not than the ideal scenario, but than the likely outcome. It’s going to be a major act of will either way; learning to be happy alone or learning to be happy with someone and all their faults. The will power involved isn’t that different.
I’m forever marked by studying under a Buddhist Native American, and being of the belief that anything you can’t have that you want is part of the problem. Desire unfulfilled is the greatest source of misery, thus my solution is to cut it down at the root. No desire towards, no misery.
Lately it has occurred to me that humans probably need to desire something…. but as yet I haven’t found that “healthy” desire. Maybe to bake cookies? I mean there’s diabetes and gluten sensitivity so even that’s not a catch all positive desire.
Yes, I hate kids. They’re one of the most annoying things on Earth. Especially kids these days bc ppl don’t parent anymore so the kids are so unruly and undisciplined. American kids are entitled brats who grow up to be entitled adults.
Do I hate ALL kids or do I simply hate ill behaved kids? (which in the US is synonymous). If you go to other countries, children are MUCH better behaved and disciplined.
Is being alone working better?
->Better to be alone than to be with someone who’s not good to you or for you. But better to be with a good person who loves you than being alone.
Do you actually hate everyone?
->Not EVERYONE, but most ppl pretty much suck
->OK, maybe there are better people in other countries, I’m sure they can’t suck as much as Americans, but I grew up here and America is sadly all I know, and Americans suck. It’s all about “I” and “me” in the US. Very selfish thinking. Other cultures are about “we” and “us” and those countries tend to have less selfish people and lower rates of depression.
i know what you’re getting at but lol this:
unicorn shopping at a grocery store:
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=525633538146484
I got to thinking about the left overs idea. Generally it is true. Mostly it is true. Most of the time it is true. Then there is a small window of opportunity.
I have been amazed at what other people will throw away. I seen relatively mentally healthy people get thrown away by people who are quite disagreeable.
well there’s mentally healthy, and there’s GOOD people. it’s really hard to find someone mentally healthy who’s ALSO a good person.
i just don’t think there are that many truly “good” ppl left.
The good people idea is an interesting one. I am curious about the good people idea. Does good mean kind and giving or more or something else?