I never thought I’d post on here until I did. That’s the problem with me. I’m antisocial, but low-functioning. I test people to see if they will care when I act antisocial, and am surprised when they don’t care back. I don’t understand cause and effect. I say I want to end it when things don’t work. Would they ever have with my approach?
I am the most laughable member on this site.
I understand myself and my issue was perfectionism without the actual effort. I can’t do anything differently anymore. I am stuck and I make others know it. What will I do? Lately it’s been thinking about how to stop this. But who has my exact circumstances? If I were trying to help someone like me out, they may not even listen to me. Who are people who will?
The only hope I have is to understand what I’m feeling. By all accounts, it seems like I’ve just been acting, all of the time, with inadequate reasons for doing so, and my problems are probably not even real unlike most of you on here. I’m not sure I’m even suicidal.
Until I know the answer, I continue to puzzle others and myself. I don’t even know if their or my struggles are legitimate. You could call it a lack of empathy, or you could call it a misunderstanding. It may just be that I don’t care to live or die either way. The reason I haven’t done it is because I don’t really want to – there, I said it. But it’s not that I want to stop feeling this way either. I just wanted my life to be different, my circumstances different, regardless of how it makes me feel. That probably doesn’t make any sense to most people. Again, I think I just don’t know what anything means to me. I’m afraid to understand that.
2 comments
if I read you right, this is exactly my problem socially. But my problem might be worse because at least you can admit it’s a problem whereas I’ll go to my grave thinking I’m right. ha literally to my grave.
“I test people to see if they will care when I act antisocial, and am surprised when they don’t care back.”
Right, I can’t tell you how many friendships & relationships I’ve trashed for this exact reason. I pull away, expecting them to follow. And when they don’t follow I figure they “failed” the test so it’s over. how fucked up is that.
but here’s why I don’t see anything wrong with it. If I put myself in their shoes (caring about someone who acts antisocial), I would try to help them or at least commiserate, I’ve proved it in the past.
so if you follow my thinking, then you see the “test” is just a way of determining if the other person genuinely cares. What better way to find out the truth than pulling away to see if they follow you?
unfortunately it leads down a very lonely path. I had 1 relationship in my life where we understood each other on this level and it was amazing. It can work, absolutely. But good luck finding that 1 needle in a shitstack. most people prefer to “care” only as long as it’s convenient for them.
You may not have read me right. When I say “act antisocial,” I meant antagonize them out of the blue. Over the years I’ve actually started to feel it, like maybe I antagonize them out of legitimate “issues.” I’ve been of two minds about it, having different selves I guess. After reading this post, I feel as if what I’ve done is wrong and has been returned in kind. I think what you’re doing is probably right. My issue was that I expected others to be able to put up with me more. I don’t even know if I was feeling badly then, but I seem to have thought at some point that I was, and that people should have reached out. It’s not merely a self perception. It’s the naive idea that one acts out when one is having a bad time of it themselves, leading me to believe they were obligated to ask what was wrong or do something about it.
I also have the ability to help, despite how others are acting towards me, at times.
I’m not sure we’re entirely on the same page here. You pulling away can be seen as bad, but it’s minor compared to how I’ve acted. I haven’t fully processed it all, I’ll admit. Because it isn’t my major concern. While I do feel disconnected to people and as if they’ve mistreated me, I think the problem is I just cannot accept when things don’t go my way. Future-wise or whatever else.
I think you’re legitimate. I think I am not. It depends on how someone thinks they should treat others, and who is worthy of help. You pulling away could be seen as a mental health concern, or it could be viewed as a betrayal, a bad act to someone else. I haven’t decided which is true in my own personal life. Anyway, like I said, that’s not entirely why I’m on here. I don’t really need others to show care for me, and it’s probably because they shouldn’t. There’s nothing in it for them, and it would possibly be bad for them, reasonably so.