I used to get so upset whenever my siblings would make fun of me for having no friends. Or when my mother would berate me for being so quiet. Now, I think I deserve to be made fun of. It’s all my fault anyway. I had so many chances to make friends and get myself out of this rut.
Maybe my life would be different if I had started a conversation once with that girl in my 6th grade art class that kept complimenting my work instead of mumbling out a “thank you” every time. If I had talked to that girl in 7th grade that kept looking over my shoulder to see what I was watching on my phone. If I hadn’t made my mother put me in online school in 8th grade. Or that one time my now ex friend asked me if I wanted to go to her house, what if I had taken her up on her offer? Or when she offered to draw a picture of me. Would we still be friends?
Or maybe my life would be just as pathetic as it is now and I’m just being dramatic. But I know I’m still very young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I can still make friends and maybe end my loneliness for good. Half of me has hope for the future but the other half knows that I won’t try to change anything. Who knows. I sure don’t…
2 comments
You sound real young. Making friends is hard. Really difficult for some people, me included. But it’s funny how it works out. When you least expect it, you wind up being friends with an interesting group of friends. You may not have many, but the few you have are real nice. I know a part of you thinks you won’t change, but for your sake I hope you find the strength to change. Maybe you’ll find someone special. Hope things start looking up for you.
I kind of understand. its the “what if I did this or that, would this still be?”. I have a hard time maintaining relationships because I have a hard time picking up on social cues. At this moment I have one person who I consider a brother more the a friend. Still I don’t nt talk to him much. Everything is moving around me and I am stuck in this hole not knowing how to get out but I somewhat know what got me there. I am about to be a sophomore (I should be almost a junior) and I talk to nobody at school its just me and my AirPods. I don’t gossip or chat with other girls I just sit by myself at lunch. I get nervous I might say the wrong thing or what I say may come off differently to them but In my head I process things differently. I am still young but I already am in this deep dark hole. Lately I have been thinking about “The Butterfly Effect”, If I made the slightest difference in choice a while back would I be somewhere completely different than I am now?