Today marks yet another year I’ve lived. It feels a bit odd, I still feel like an overgrown child. I wish I could say I’ve changed or improved in some crazy way, but I haven’t. I still feel like all I really do is burden people. They’d probably be better off. I still feel as if I’m at fault for a lot of things. I realize at some point I will make an attempt to end it all. I hear horror stories of the future and it makes me paranoid, I don’t want to live through any of it. An off switch. I’m tired of the constant cycles my head goes through, but I’m getting by. I got new books today, funnily enough my new lovecraft book has that Music of Erich Zann in it that heartlessviking mentioned. I have high hopes for it, while hard to read/grasp sometimes I enjoy lovecraft.
I find comfort in the stories in my head, or my games or books or being online. Trying to get on a better sleep schedule, but I have really bad dreams. I’m consistent in my art again, which I guess is a good thing. Partner still hasn’t reached out. They’ve missed all my birthdays except one, and they almost forgot about it that time. I just try to avoid checking messages. Lately anxiety has been through the roof. Strange sounds or things in the corner of my eyes make everything worse. I don’t have any motive or energy to do anything worthwhile or productive in my life, and I can’t help but wonder if they all consider me a disappointment. I don’t feel like I’m an interesting person, or a good friend, but I try as much as one can. I keep my mouth shut as they wish. I know, one day, it will be over. Everything’s going to hell anyway, but I’ll go out in my own terms, just haven’t found out how yet.
To J Doe – if you’re still wondering, I’m doing alright, doing my best. I can say today went pretty well. Still struggling a lot. Just hanging on. Also, while I check on this site somewhat often, I figured I just needed a break from it and other stuff that’d be considered “damaging” but ah, that’s probably a stupid way of thinking anyway. I hope you’re doing well, too, and it means a lot to me – probably a stupid amount, to know someone hears me like this and cares.
Happy birthday to me, I guess. I don’t know whether I should be proud or happy, or ashamed, or indifferent. My lack of attempts of anything (not counting an attempt of an attempt) makes me consider myself a coward once more.
2 comments
Happy Birthday. I hope today was atleast somewhat enjoyable. I’m glad to hear you are ok. I also understand taking a break from this place.
Fear of the future is understandable. I find it helps just to take things as they come. I’m sorry to hear about your partner. I know how much it hurts to just want to hear from someone you care about. The silence they give can be so painful. I think it’s good that you try to be as good a friend as you can be. Trying is what counts.
As always, hope things get better for you.
Thanks, appreciated as always. And yeah, I live with some very paranoid/doomsday type people who keep bringing up things that sound almost apocalyptic and the way I was brought up to believe certain things anyway… idk, just leaves me feeling worse.
The silence does hurt, as much as I don’t want to admit how much. I’m finally at a point where we don’t have to be long distance anymore, and all I get is dead silence. It really hurts a lot.
I do hope the people in my life at least can see I’m trying.
I hope things get better for you as well.