After that last bit, feeling particularly suicidal, I sunk back into myself. It was perfection, I almost ceased to be for 14 hours. Then I woke up, did what I had to, and tried to replicate it, and you know what happened? awful failure, nightmares, and I realized that if I didn’t hurt, I wouldn’t sleep right. I also can’t really create the pain, it just has to hit me.
Like today. The first four hours I was pushing, pouring myself out and hurting for it. But now? the relief has started, and I think it’s going to be a good night. What kind of sick world is this? where pain is necessary for what passes for pleasure?
Still, I feel as near to bad as I am capable for those “priviledged” whome I once envied. They will never know this pain, nor the relief. Petty BS, that’s all they care about, and that’s all they are. Look up 1st world problems, and consider that there are people stuid and useless enough that’s all they can concern themselves with. Maybe they DO need all the welfare, they clearly can’t compete, can’t fight in the real game.
Still, you’d think actual children would need the help more. I know, I know, not my department anymore, above my paygrade. Everything is above my paygrade.
except for my own pain. That’s my actual pay, these days. Oh sure, food, shelter and projects are what appear to keep me going, but without the pain it wouldn’t mean anything. So maybe that’s the sickness, the avoidance of pain. It’s like death denial, it goes against the natural order. We’re all gonna die, thank whatever abstract authority figure you please for that. And we all hurt, but at least our hurts make sense, they aren’t the petty whining of rich entitled jerks. At least our scars we earned. I don’t know about anyone else, but it’s a credibility you can’t manufacture.
There’s something truly special about looking someone better off than you in the eyes, and letting them know how lucky they are they aren’t you. They can’t even understand it, and it scares them SO MUCH! I like being the monster, the personification of the road no one should go down. Someone who has tried with all they have to make something of themselves, only to become nothing, to be nothing, and to somehow not be at fault for all that. Someone who made all the “right” choices, only to end up in the gutter, gasping.
To be fair, I liked it when my life was working too. My point is I didn’t like it that much better. It wasn’t worth being the bagman for white collar criminals. I may be nothing, but I’m a clean nothing. Morally speaking, and physically. Well, if you don’t count what the doctor gives me. Someday though, maybe clean of that too.