The desires that burn within me are seemingly inexhaustible. Presumably that’s why I’m still alive. Because if I’m dead then that’s the end for them. Even though I’m doing very little to pursue them, and there seems to be very little chance that any of them will ever be fulfilled.
There’s something so depressing about being able to see the futility of the motivations and drives within you, yet having nothing else within you strong enough to override them. Reason being ultimately the slave of the passions. The only thing that could overpower my will to live would be the development of a stronger will to die. And I think the only way that could happen would be for my life to become truly hellish.
So I’m forced to live. Or I’m forcing myself to live. Or the forces within me are forcing me to live. But there’s no possibility of a satisfactory outcome. And I know that, rationally. So I’m not living effectively. I’m not really doing anything to even symbolically move towards my desires. I’m just doing the bare minimum to survive. Survival for a future that doesn’t exist. And I’m constantly creating suffering within myself, because the desires realise I’m doing nothing towards their fulfilment, and torment me all the more because of that.
But I cannot bring myself to work towards a goal that I know will never be realised. I just can’t maintain the energy for that. My motivation is far too fractured. I need a reward to dangle in front of me, a light at the end of the tunnel. And there isn’t one. And I’m not good enough at lying to myself to convince myself otherwise.
Anyway, here’s a song I’m currently projecting my feelings onto:
9 comments
“I’m just doing the bare minimum to survive.”
>I think many on here are doing the same. different causes and reasons, but same result.
“I need a reward to dangle in front of me, a light at the end of the tunnel.”
>Same here. In my case, I *could* see a better life, but I just don’t see very high odds of that happening, so it’s hard to get up and fight hard for something that will likely just result in wasted effort.
“So I’m not living effectively”
>lol as someone who values efficiency and efficacy, that kills me too- not “living effectively.” We have a finite amount of time to accomplish any and all goals, and yet here I am, also “barely doing the minimum to survive.” Which then feeds into self-hate for NOT doing shit to better my life.
We have different root causes but I feel exactly as you do in a lot of things.
Have you talked to others with your kind of “desires”? idk what illicit desires you have but there’s usually communities online where ppl get together to help each other quell whatever ill desires they have and to make connections with others like themselves. Kind of like the “virtuous pedophiles” group. Though depending on what “desires” you have, you might need to dig to find a deep web group of others like you. But I know they must exist and those communities must exist. There are many ppl with many different kinds of “ill desires” who are trying to control themselves. I know you’ve been controlling your desires but maybe meeting others like you will help shed light on how you can live a fuller life despite quelling those desires? Have you met anyone else like you?
I tried talking to a few people online about it back when I first started to become self-aware of it. I think for me the shame of it makes it incredibly hard to talk about honestly, so I never stuck around anywhere for too long. I don’t think I’ve come across anyone with circumstances similar enough to mine that I could really follow their example or look to them as a role model. It was either people who’d never crossed any lines, and so couldn’t relate to the shame of doing so, or those who’d crossed so many lines that they were kind of beyond shame.
I think the difficulty for me with even imagining a “fuller life” is knowing there will always be this fundamental conflict within my desires. Even if I somehow lucked into meeting a partner who was far too good for me in every regard, who for some reason was able to accept this unacceptable side of me, and it was somehow not a massively unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship… I know there would still be this part eating away at me, longing for something else, making me miserable. So what’s the point?
maybe you’re destined for a life to torment like i am. idk what your solution is.
Well, I suppose everything comes to an end sooner or later. It’s just a question of how bad things get before that happens.
sigh. i suppose that applies to my life especially. i would like at least 10 years of a good life before i am ended, but i know 10 good years is not what i’ll ever get.
I’m not sure what I could say to help you, except for maybe, “Me too”. I feel pretty much the exact same as you.
I have dark, secret desires too, and have crossed lines I shouldn’t have in the past. My pain comes from the same source as you–to have strong desires/goals knowing that I’ll likely never attain those things, and all my efforts are probably in vain.
Idk. I’m rambling. Just saying, Me too.
I guess it just is what it is – sometimes there really isn’t anything to say. We live, we struggle through our own private sources of suffering, we die. And the world keeps turning, oblivious.
yup. and ppl LOVE to say that life is a “gift” when in reality, depending on one’s birth and circumstances, life is fucking “hell.” Life is hell for at least 60% of the world population, if not more.