Who are you that makes me drunk? Come and heal my wounds!

This is the lyric that has been bothering me more and more. What excited me once? Why was it insufficient to soothe my chaos?

because I was intoxicated, with hope, and visions of a future. Maybe it follows that I might assume it could cure what ails me.

I feel so empty and alone right now. I thought I’d take the day to tend myself, and this is the outcome. Is it any wonder I don’t look forward to the task of tending myself?

and every time I think to trust in something, it turns out to be an illusion, gone like it was never there. No matter what; madness ensues, because either I’m insisting on something I’m certain I saw, or dismissing it as little but a malfunction of my broken perception. Either I’m wrong or the thing I saw was, and I’ve so completely explored the idea of me being the one that’s wrong. I worked on myself back then, certain the flaw was internal…. and maybe it was. We’ll never find the prompt that started that self evaluation.

but I’ve started to suspect the flaw is elsewhere, somewhere not within. Maybe it was unintentional, the whipping me up, getting me excited for something that never was, maybe never could be.

she said my name is Leila the queen of the night, and poof she was gone

gone, gone again. and me just as broken as at the start. What was the point of it? the intoxication I mean

what can you trust, if you can’t trust your senses?