Worst Hell Week hands down. Absolute worst. One project went fine. The other was a disaster. Couldm’t get the code finished no matter how hard I tried. My CS minor is completely worthless. Can’t code for shit. Any half competent programmer could knock out what I was trying to do in an afternoon. My dumbasss pulled 2 allnighters trying to get it to work. So we submitted a half baked program, report, and presentation. I got a 75 on the midterm so it will be an absolute miracle if I get a C and not just outright fail. All risk no reward.
This week I was beyond self destructive. 3 times I sayed up 24 hours or more. 3. I might as well toss my medication out. There is no way a hypomanic episode isn’t coming. Right around my birthday and Christmas. Not to mention drinking a 6 pack of 9.5 ABV beer in one night. In my slightly drunk slightly sober state I blew probably 200 bucks on internet porn. Just torching nearly everything. It’s like I trying to dive head first into traffic.
I was thinking about why I ever told her about this place. Why I tried to show this ugly side of myself. I was in highschool and I was just so enamored with her. Just wanted to be with her. So in my head I thought maybe if I be vulnerable, I could be closer to her and her to me. I remember exactly what happened when I told her. I was shaking. So scared. She offered to hug me. To comfort me. I refused. This was after she shot me down a little while ago. I didn’t want to give in to something I couldn’t have. I just wanted to be close with her. Looking at it now, it was an attempt at entrapment. If she sees how sad and pathetic I was, she would have to feel sorry for me. She would have to be my friend. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was me trying to win her over by showing her what a loser I was. I’m glad she didn’t fall for it.
One last act of self destruction. By some miracle, I got an airplane seat in the same row of a girl applying for the lab I work at. She’s a college freshman and she’s trying to see if there’s any busy work to be done in the lab. To get her foot in the door. It so happens we both live in the same state and both were going home today. In the same plane. In the same row. I only met her twice. First time was her first lab meeting that hardly anyone showed up to. She introduced herself and was suprised we were both from texas. She’s pretty. So I flipped for it. Heads I offer her my number. Under the guise of offering help for school and the lab. Heads. I told her she didn’t have to take it. She did. Just another instance of shooting myself in the foot. She’s fresh out of highschool. That’s a 7 year difference. We work in the same lab. It needs to be professional. Even in my infinite stupidity, I made sure she got my number and not the other way around. Ball’s in her court. If she ain’t interested in that way, nothing I can do about it. When we said goodbye I could tell she saw through my bs. Probably won’t hear from her, if ever. Besides even if there was something there it’s not like it will go anywhere. It was the same with M. I. C. N. A. and sure as hell G.
I keep thinking about my promise. This year would be as good as any. Just how to do it.