Earlier, I felt like a fictional character was saying things that only an output of my brain would say. See, that’s my tell, when people who have no business knowing things I know start saying them, there’s a fair chance I’m in a dream or hallucination.
Then, lying in bed just now, I couldn’t settle down to go to sleep. Those words kept gnawing at me, in the way only horrible things I tell myself can gnaw at me. Then I started to come up with wild ideas, just trying to chase the fear of losing myself off
then I got up and took some more sleeping pills. Terrifying, all the more so because I’ve been trying to confront some of this stuff.
So am I losing it? Could be, could be. When your imaginary friends start making good points, that’s the point to start wondering how imaginary you are.
Okay, slept and woke up, starting to process this
The problem is external versus internal hand. Internal hand can cut deeper, but it can’t make the same cut twice. The act of cutting changes the landscape and the mind doing the cutting. I’ve noticed one of the ways to break out of dreams is to ask that dream person to say the same thing again. They usually can’t, or even if they can I interpret it differently. The minute my world becomes that shapeable, it isn’t real.
where as external hand especially if it’s in a recording can only say the original thing. I can reinterpret, but it doesn’t change the context. The thing it said was about being afraid to be happy, which I now see is only adjascent to my fear. I would and have faced that fear, I know happiness is finite, everything is. What scares me is being manipulated, losing control. What scares me is up to now I didn’t have effective defenses against someone promising me what I want to hear.
so, all evidence points to that I’m not going crazy. It’s still a wild ride.
I think I also fear being understood, because no one succeeds at cutting that deep, not even me. Lucky me, I won’t be facing that any time soon.