How long have I wanted to leave this world? Ever since I was a child. But I am here. I don’t know why. Everything is hard, and everything is meaningless. What’s the point of getting back up again every time?
I’ve been constantly tired and in pain for the past two or three months. I know it’s not going to end soon. What can I even do about it?
Go to bed early, eat enough food, build relationships with other people… I try to make other people happy, but I’m not happy. I said that would be enough for me, but it’s not. It’s not enough. It’s never enough.
I desperately crave intimate relationships and at the same time I’m afraid of intimacy. What a joke. Am I anything except a lazy coward?
And what has changed? I felt amazing at the beginning of autumn. I don’t know. I stopped going to bed early and eating healthy food and going for walks outside in the mornings.
It’s so dark outside. And it rains. And it’s gray. It’s misty, and you can’t see further than maybe 20 meters. And it’s cold. Everything feels depressing really.
I can’t give up. Because there are people who need me. They love me. I wish that was enough to make me happy. But this void doesn’t go away.
All the bad things that I feel are because of my own actions. That doesn’t make it feel better, but at least I know I’m responsible for my own misery, which isn’t comforting at all. Well, that’s just the way things are.
Why do I want to punish myself? Why can’t I be happy despite everything going well for me? I’m just burnt out. I’m just burnt out again. I push myself to my limit and then I keep pushing even more. Every fucking time. That’s just the way I am.
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What changed a few months ago that you’re now constantly tired and in pain? Start there, those two are enough to bring anyone down. Can you get better sleep?
Happy is asking for a lot, I’ve found, trying for not miserable is an achievable goal. You mentioned being burnt out, that usually means you’ve been neglecting self care. It takes time to get good at self care.
It doesn’t have to be the way things are, and hard as I know it is to believe, you don’t deserve this, even if you are the primary cause. You have people that care about you, and I suspect you care about them. That was the leverage in my life to try to get healthy. Neglect self care long enough you end up dependent on others. That’s my personal hell, being a drain on good people. So I keep trying, just so that I can hurt those who care about me less.