You had me give up on my own future because you “needed” me to not go have my own space and take care of myself and my own life.
You talked and acted like you’d kill yourself if I didn’t, like you talked about how you got drunk and smashed your car a little while before.
You didn’t care then that you were emotionally blackmailing me into turning myself into a wreck and throwing my future away.
You didn’t care then that I gave up on everything I wanted for you because of that stupid intense fear and anxiety you made me feel.
You didn’t care how disgusting I felt or how much it fucked me up sitting there deliberately doing and saying things to drive you away so you wouldn’t fucking supposedly off yourself if I left to take care of myself.
You didn’t care what fucked up shit I had to resort to to try and make a living and salvage my future after I lost all the normal respectable options being there like a toy on the side of your life.
Bet you feel nothing. Bet you’re having a great time, better than this absolute living hell anyway. If you ever even think about it you probably use it as a thing to feel good about yourself, just like my parents did to feel good by teaching me I’m subhuman trash that doesn’t even count as a human being to their god so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted to me.
Probably would chuckle to yourself thinking how I wasted so much time learning to do something I hate just to get replaced by fucking AI as I was almost there too. Fucking whole skeleton memorized, from general rhythms to every measurement of every fucking important bone. Almost all of the muscle groups and where they attach and basic forms. Rough range of motion and most of the joints. The math behind lighting, the inverse square law the fucking cosine law and other basic shit. Gesture, balance, flow, various mannequins from simple to complex, the math behind perspective, foreshortening, measuring by eye, tons of various tricks I came up with myself from hundreds of hours of experimenting measuring and studying on my own to really get and understand how things work on a deeper level. Go ahead and fucking laugh. At least I don’t have to fucking have that miserably intense anxiety you taught me to have over you anymore.
I hate everythign so fuckign much. I hate it all. No one gives a fuck about what some subhuman loser does or doesn’t hate anymore than they give a fuck about if they’re absolutely suffering and hopeless I know, but I fucking hate this shitty world.
There, I vented, brain… it’s hard enough with all the pain from the fucked up pancreas and and other shit going on, you don’t need to give me more nightmares about her or my parents or anything else so stfu and leave me alone about it….