okay, so I got a yes, BUT
it’s dependant on what my last post remembers about me
and my anxiety goes into OVERDRIVE
right, so here’s what’s going on. I got a heads up email earlier today, 3 PM “Are you still interested in the position”
to which I replied that I was
and they said that they needed the names of my previous supervisor and district director. And maybe that sounds like a perfectly okay thing, and not like a sample of my liver when I had a shot of suspect whiskey last night….
but, my last post didn’t end well guys. Essentially I was backed into a corner and had to quit. I don’t like thinking about it even, to the point I didn’t even approach the field for a long time because it would mean thinking about it. I’ve done so much in my life to avoid being backed into corners like this. The shame that it was done, and that I had to admit defeat. I was talking to my dad about it earlier today and he said the obvious “you’ve really got to work on yourself not to let that happen”
This what post hospitalization. It was escape the corner, or hospitalization imminent. I don’t remember the exact details of why, but I was that fragile. I don’t know how to explain this to someone who hasn’t been hospitalized. I’d do a lot of really stupid looking things before ending up in the hospital again, it was that bad.
Only now, years later, I might have to pay for that choice. I’m really really really worried about it. I want this job, and now it all comes down to what my former bosses remember about me, and what they say.
I’m a distrustful and bitter person, just in general, but especially with someone that would put me in such an awful position. I’m terrified.