I’ve been working a new job now for about 2 weeks. It’s been wearing me out. 2 days in, the guy training me quit, and I never learned everything I was supposed to. Im the only person in my department now, and so by default, im now the cheif engineer, and all the responsibilities fall on me. I’m presented with problems all day long, some of which I’m honestly not sure how to remedy. It’s very stressful. I was laying in bed ready to sleep for the night, but got called in tonight to address an emergency situation. When I got there, the problem was beyond my skill level. I was unable to resolve it. I’m going to hear about it in the morning.

Meanwhile, I’ve been making efforts to hang out with people more. I’ve been reclusive, and have isolated myself from the world for a long time (maybe 6 years now). I go to work and to the grocery store, and sometimes to the gym. But other than that, I’ve stayed at home. At home, no negative interactions are possible. But I’ve gotten lonely. Problem is, my social skills have suffered a lot just from staying reclusive. My most recent attempts to hang out with people have not gone well. It seems as though I come off as annoying, or off-putting. It’s a horrible feeling to be surrounded by people and to still feel alone, or to push people away without completely understanding why it’s happening.

Could I find a different job? Yes, but it would have to be in the same field, and I’d be doing the same things, with almost the same problems. Otherwise, I dont make enough money to pay rent. It would cause me financial hardship to do so anyway at this particular time, since you dont get payday for the first 2 weeks. Could I keep trying to improve my social skills? Yes, and for now, I will. But God, how embarrassing it is to suffer social failures!

I can’t even begin to describe how lonely & inept I feel. How tired I am.