I can’t really make sense of my mind. It has bizarre quirks to it that make life so much harder to live. Obsessions that I can’t get over. Irational fears that hold me back. Nonsensical dreams and idiotic personality ticks that end up screwing me. I think the worst part of it is that I am at least somewhat aware of all this. Got little less than a month left. And my stupid fucking robot is still not done. I’m procrastinating even now. Man am I screwed. I can tell everyone thinks so to. Last week I give my monthly update and you could tell how sad and pathetic it was. Everyone there could tell from a mile away what a screw up I am. I got through it without much fuss. But still I could feel it. I think lately whenever I’m in the lab, I get a horrible stomach ache so I have to leave and spend a bunch of time out of the lab. It doesn’t happen when I’m anywhere else like my apartment, so maybe it’s a psychological? I don’t know.
The big thing I want to talk about is about the internship I got for Amazon this summer. I know tons of people who would kill for something like this. I know people on this site who would kill for this. But I can’t bring myself to be all that excited for it. Which brings me back to the weird way my brain works. A part of me is upset that I got the position for the team I didn’t want, that being the more practical solutions team versus the research team. I interviewed for three different people and I got the one that seems the least interesting. Another part of me feels like I only got a position because of my fellowship and that they needed to find a position for me other wise it would like like a bad ROI. Another part feels like regardless of which position I got, I’ll only screw it up anyways. That there’s no point in feeling bad about not getting the research position becasue I’ll probably be more nervous than I am about this position. I’m sure as I get closer to summer, I’ll be the nervous wreck I normally am about these things. The only real thing I am excited about is the money I’ll be making, hence why my spending has been so reckless since I got this news. I get that should be a bigger deal but all I can think about is the bad sides of this. Lack of time for my thesis that I’m so fucking behind on, the nerve wracking days I’m going to have, the fact that I can’t visit my family has much as I want to. That’s what I mean when I say my mind has no rhyme or reason. It seems like as much as I’m told I’m a bright and that I’m going to be something, I can’t take it all that seriously.
1 comment
Your stomach is more likely to hurt when you’re upset than your head. It was so funny, when we were covering history of behavior study, most ancient societies thought the brain was in the stomach.
Another interesting statistic, if you have stomach troubles as a kid, it’s a pretty good predictor for anxiety or depression as an adult. I’ve had stomach trouble my whole life, though I don’t think all the medications helped on that front.
I still think you might be projecting your insecurities onto others. They might be less than optimally impressed…. but I don’t think they are as dissappointed as you think. You’re still in the program, that’s my evidence. If you were as much of a failure as you feel, you wouldn’t be. It’s healthy to challenge unrealistic anxiety, you’re surviving grad school, give yourself some credit.
Heh, Amazon. I certainly could never do anything for them. I did try once, the smallest thing. My therapist found this program where I could independent contract and deliver a few packages for them freelance. The issue ended up being that my car was too small. My truck would qualify, but they didn’t want to pay enough to justify how much my truck costs to drive.
I imagine however it would be like trying to work for Walmart or Whole Foods. Interesting and rewarding in ways, but soul stripping in others. Some people have the right blind spots I guess is the word. I have those for mental health and government work. Everyone is made sick by something is the point. You’ll find your niche, I hope anyway. Something out there that doesn’t make you too sick, but makes most everybody else sick.
I could have done plumbing if I had to, literal sewage grosses me out less than certain profit making enterprises. I’m not young enough to go down that road anymore though.