I’m scared that it won’t ever go away – that I’ll feel like this until the end of time. It’s started wearing down what little of me there is left. Even on a good day it’s not far from my mind, and the good days are getting further and further apart.
I just feel alone. Completely and utterly. And I can’t even let anyone in, because they’d just leave. Or be dragged down with me, and that’s worse. I have to keep such a distance from everyone. Everything. So I’ve been alone. So… alone. I feel hopeless. And weak. Cowardly. I’m a failure for letting myself get to this point, a failure for even feeling this way. A failure for not pulling myself out, a failure for being, in some sick way, almost comfortable with this feeling. This suffocating, agonizing, weighted feeling that never truly goes away. I have failed.
I’m scared. Scared that it will never go, and that I’ll be in this forever limbo of being on the edge of ending it all but being too afraid to do so until I die of whatever cause, and that I’ll have never found any peace. Or happiness. Or worth. I won’t mean anything to anyone. I don’t. I just hide in this damn room. Sleep. Pace. Pace and pace and pace. Running away from myself. I just want someone to come and help pull me out of this. But I don’t deserve it, or I certainly don’t feel like I do anyway. I wish I could be held and told everything will be okay. That maybe my mind just likes to play tricks on me by overthinking and being in a constant cycle reminding me how worthless I am. I wish I could be wanted, needed by someone. Not in some bad way. I just want to be worthy enough to be wanted. But I’m not. I’m just… me. And it’s far from enough. I don’t even view myself as human anymore. I don’t know how I view myself. I’ve sunken into this sick cycle that will forever torment me. Feeling like this, being like this, allowing myself to be like this, means I’ve failed, and means I’m worthless. But, because I’m worthless, I can’t really say I deserve to feel worthy, now do I? I’m not sure how much more I can take of this anymore. I know it’s all my own fault anyway. It’s always my fault.
Been listening to that playlist for a few nights now, I like it. I like the channel a lot actually – has a lot of good playlists. Helps keep me sane. Idk if that matters. But I highly recommend it, I think they have a Spotify too but idk.
Maybe I’ll pray to god to kill me in my sleep tonight. I’m so tired.
4 comments
This playlist seems perfect to fall asleep to. Thanks for that I’ve been looking for one.
I’m sorry you feel this way. This pain is very familiar. Especially the pacing. The need to move is stong when anxious. Maybe walks outside will help. They calm me down a bit more than pacing in my room.
I really hope you find that push you need. Whether it comes from yourself or someone else. The way I see it, there are like 9 billion people on this rock. One of them is bound to need and want you. It’s just a matter of meeting them. Whether it’s by luck or what you put out there, they are out there.
I don’t know you too well, but I say your not worthless. Even when you think you are, I say you’re not, so you’re not. Sometimes we just have to think in these simple terms. I hope things get better for you.
It means a lot to me that you say that, J Doe. I hope you’re right, that I’m not worthless. Idk. But if it’s something you genuinely believe, maybe it’s true. Thing is I don’t even think I deserve to feel worthy. Hence the cycle continuing ig haha. I’m just exhausted man. I’ve really been trying but I don’t have it in me esp when I just feel like a never ending burden no matter what.
I hope one day I can find that one in 9 billion people that actually would like/want me around. I’m just scared that I’ve become unlovable. No one wants to deal with this shit for very long. Can’t blame them, really.
I’m really glad you like the playlist though since I really like it. If you want playlists for sleep that Nobody channel is perfect for it, I listen to a shit ton of their playlists esp when I feel like I’m going insane haha.
Thank you for the reply, they always mean a lot to me even if I don’t feel I deserve it. I hope things are alright/get better for you too, I think you deserve it to be, if it means anything
That’s the hardest part. This idea that we need to be worthy of anything. That it’s a requirement to be “worthy” whatever that means. Sometimes you don’t need to be “worthy” for someone to care about you.
That one person will be patient with you. Like I said, 9 billion. They will care and understand. You just need to find them.
No problem. Always happy to help.
I’ve been feeling like this for a while. I get it. Been having to sit and basically hear that I’m a leech, that I don’t try hard enough to make a proper life for myself, that I take and take and take, that I’m not progressing fast enough for where I am vs where I should be, etc etc.
As someone who’s been very sheltered all their lives, it does fuck you up mentally. Social skills are a requirement in society in general, and if you lack the awareness, you’re at a disadvantage. We aren’t designed to just stay in a room all the time alone. There’s a reason why solitary confinement is a punishment for criminals for example.
It’s always funny how self aware we are made to be because of how shit we feel. We feel like outcasts, like something is wrong with us, like we can never fit even if we try. We don’t necessarily mean to be a certain way, to come off as angry or hostile or whatever, we’re just fed up and irritated with our situations.
The messed up people like us want proper companionship and kinship, but manage to drive the few people we may like away for various reasons. And when I say messed up I don’t mean anything bad, I’m basing it off of what the “average” is or should be.
This isn’t a one size fits all kind of deal, there’s a range to all of these things. But we all relate to one another in some way, shape, or form here. You aren’t worthless. You bring something different to the world, you bring some level of uniqueness to it, you have experiences and reactions to those experiences that no one else on planet earth will ever have. I hope you can appreciate some aspects of yourself that can be construed as more positive. I also want things to improve for you as well, and I hope you can figure out something that you need to move things in a better direction.
T, the trulymindless1