I kinda haven’t shared in awhile, haven’t felt valid given that in the grand scheme of things life is “good”, whatever that means. Like I vent a small bit here and there, but I haven’t talked to anyone about what’s actually in my head. Everyone in my real life thinks things are ticking along as planned, and they are, that’s what it’s supposed to look like.
but I still have feelings, unserved thoughts, unserved desires. I really don’t identify with other people…… the isolation is more stark being around people all day every day. Being alone all day again today it’s like, oh yeah, nice to relax and not have to pretend/not be in pain. It’s a job, it’s supposed to be work, right? I mean there are parts of it, a lot of it I love. I’d be sad if I didn’t have it to look forward to.
I’m changing, slowly but surely, the way I haven’t changed much before in my life. Like it’s a freeform change that happens when I’m surrounded by supportive people. I had this notion that I might want to believe in fate, or in someone who might create or dictate such a fate. Mad, nutty and completely against my prior ideas…… but it makes sense within the context of my current every day life.
See, this whole trip started when they moved my therapist’s office, at least in my mind. I used to go to therapy in an old building in the middle of the city. Years I’ve been at it, through a few therapists even. I still see my doctor there, pick up my meds there. However, earlier this year they finished work on a new building that they moved all the therapists to out on the East side of town. That building is right next door to the office building I work in now.
For more background, I worked for this group before, and I suspected for a long time I would again. It was about when my pride would let me. I can’t even unpack all the reasons that took two years.
When they moved my therapists office though. I couldn’t avoid those feelings anymore. I had to look at that stupid building once a week. It got to live rent free in my head.
It’s absurd that any of this could be planned. That the agency who provide my therapy would move their office to help recruiting for the completely different group I now work for. That’s just………. it’s beyond silly. It just, happened that way. My personal white whale raised it’s head again, and I said why look I have a harpoon……
I don’t know how to feel about it, because from there the series of events takes an even stranger turn. My therapists gets another job out of state, and I get a job that keeps me busy during their office hours. So I’m incredibly apathetic about therapy and between therapists. Was that supposed to happen too?
Anyway, a month on, without an outlet for any of these thoughts. It’s all about waiting anymore. Waiting for things to happen. I have to serve my time. That’s what it’s all about, with every damn thing around here.
and I’d just like to feel like my input matters. less like a puppet on a string, dancing for the unseen puppetmaster
7 comments
maybe this is the best it gets? the “bonus” you get is 1- you’re working and thus feeling “productive” and 2- is that you get so save your salary to eventually get the things you want, and eventually (idk how many years it’ll take you) to finally quit the rat race altogether and get a house in MI or somewhere blue.
or maybe you’ll still not quite feel “right” then either, but at least you’ll have more options/a more comfy life then.
idk dude- i feel like the best anyone on SP can do is get to like 80% or something. there aren’t many depressed/suicidal ppl that get “fully better”- just LESS depressed and LESS suicidal.
that’s better than how most of us are feeling/doing at like 20% or 30%.
Yeah that’s pretty much where I figure it is, you can only aspire to so much realistically. I’m getting a lot, and complaining about the bit I don’t get… isn’t going to accomplish much more. Take the brass ring and run I think is the right attitude. I’ve been waiting a long time, waiting a bit more isn’t much.
I have to remind myself, fundamentally I’m doing the same amount of “activity” as I was when I wasn’t working. Yes, it’s directed by someone else, but I didn’t have the energy to direct that segment anyway. It isn’t like me “free” somehow becomes more productive. Not in this state, and certainly not in summer.
Geez, It’s only 85-90 today and already I feel like “what’s the point”. I hate this weather! and it’s still May. This would be like July or August in Michigan. Plus everything wood is actively rotting…… it’s like the entirety of nature is saying “maybe humans shouldn’t live here”
so yeah, eyes on the prize, escape being that prize. I really have no idea what I’ll feel like when I get that escape, maybe alot better, who knows? I’ve been in this god forsaken state most of my life. It could be put a few hundred miles between me and my trauma, depression won’t weigh so heavy
i hate the hot humid summer too. and WHY are ppl living in places with terrible climates? bc there’s too many goddamn humans that’s why. if we had 10% of humans, we could all live somewhere nice with beautiful weather. obviously you’d prefer on the colder side of “comfortable.” same here. but, too many humans, making everything unaffordable.
and the overcrowding…ugh. the one good thing where you live i assume is SPACE. you are squished ass to ass with tons of other ppl like us city folk. -_-
aren’t*
oh god, it’s only 65 deg rn but the humidity is like 90%. i went out to throw out garbage. and i’m now sweating and had to take a THIRD shower/rinse bc just stepping out for 2s = sweating. UGH. i’m with you on the HATE for hot humid weather. fucking disgusting.
you’re “ticking all the boxes” and “doing everything that you’re supposed to” which is way more than many of us here on SP. will you always be “a puppet on a string?” most probably. especially when you’re working for someone else / some corporation. even if it’s for the state or some non-profit. you’ll always have to adhere to “their” rules and do what “they” want.