Fourth week starts tomorrow. A quarter of the way through. I’m trying to figure out which strike I’m on. I feel like I haven’t hit 15 yet, but I think I’m pretty close. Too many screw ups, too many instances of embarrassing myself, too little thought into what I do. I feel like my mentor at this point has just given up on me. Everything I try to do, I mess up or don’t think through. So like I said I can’t go into specifics because I’m pretty sure corp Z is watching, but my job was to choose a thing, but they’ve already picked a thing, so why do they bother giving me the work of picking a thing if they’ve already picked the thing. That’s the thing. Why do I bother? I feel at this point I’m just spinning my wheels and they just want me to stay out of the way. I knew I was going to disappoint my mentor, but I gotta say even I’m impressed with how fast it took for him to just shunt me to the side. Not that I blame him or anything. On the second week when I messed up for the fourth time or so, I couldn’t hide the disappointment on my face and he could tell. He said “This is not to criticism or anything.” Now I feel as if he handles me with kid gloves a bit. I wish I had a better poker face. Part of me has already checked out a bit.
Commuting is hell. The fucking van transport got delayed so I have to suffer one more week without it. I had to run across two blocks to catch my 6:15 train or otherwise wait an hour at the train station. Fucking miserable. They allow us to work from home at least two days a week, but I feel like I don’t get anything done here. Too distracted. I was right bout the money cushioning the blow of it all. Got my first check Friday and will probably order 3 or 4 of my PC parts. Been spending quite a bit. I said I’d probably fuck this up and end up with less money than I started with, so that seems about right.
Been thinking about her a lot more lately. I always do, but it’s been a bit worse lately. I think it’s cause her birthday is next month. I’ve sent her a birthday text almost every year since high school. A part of me thinks there’s no point in messaging her and the other part of me says there’s no point in not messaging her. The way I see it, I’ll get the same response either way. Nothing. I’ll keep kicking the idea around in my head until then. I do think though that if I do end up breaking my streak and messaging her, it might spiral me. No matter how much I tell myself that I know how it will end, that small sliver of hope will just end up torturing me. Lately I’ve really felt how lonely I am. Opening up these scars again won’t help. I just wish I could find Aurora.