of course I realize the egocentrism of the whole thing. So, if you don’t want to indulge that impulse in me, for which I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest, off with you. There are many other intriguing things in this world, I dare say probably more enriching to your life than my sick mind.
The first 18 years of my life I was surrounded by adults trying to figure out what I was, or what I would be, and they never did. I can’t say I have had any better luck. I wrote an earlier draft of this, it focused a bit more on the forbidden fruit angle, but on the reread; A; though sex sells, it’s a poor writer that has to titillate his reader to draw them in, and B; For reasons beyond my understanding Wordpress (which is the tool through which we publish) was frustratingly hesitant to publish that prior post. So, when I tried to reenter it, I hesitated. A lifetime of writing has taught me that when I hesitate I should edit or rewrite. Not enough effort went into the first draft to justify an edit, so here we are.
Is it tell the story of your prior attempt to tell the story you are trying to tell or just barge through straight to your point? I go for the Douglas Adams approach; “Oh look over there, I wonder where that door goes”, and perhaps never to return. It isn’t necessarily concise writing, but it seems to be entertaining.
I was pontificating about my voyouristic impulses, though I’m stretching the language as I often must even there. I have emotions and thoughts that need expressing that I haven’t found other people ever expressing. So let’s unpack my voyourism;
I’m attracted to a certain level of depravity, the kind that can’t be published or talked about in polite society. See how we got to sexuality previously? But I’m talking about violence too, and mental illness. I like the sickest of sick puppies. The less self aware the better. I like stories that would scar the mind of normal people. Not necessarily gory or extreme…… just how on earth did they get away with it for so long. Do you ever read a story like that in the newspaper or on the web? Then the story cuts short with very little detail? I like to dig those up. I like to crawl up into those sick heads, and of course their victims too, unique experiences, truly unique.
and when the details dry up, when I’ve read every hard copy, watched every interrogation, I sit back and wonder what I am.
There are other things as well. The admiration I get from others….. which stands in contrast to my private ghoulishness.
I just don’t know what anyone else wants. I’m not even exactly sure what I want. I mean I think I do, but what would happen if that door actually opened, if I had all I could consume of every thing I hunger for? Not just this secret item, but the not so secret things too…… humans aren’t built to be satisfied.
That’s what I think is wrong with me, fundamentally. I can’t need other people on the level that people around me seem to. It needs to be in the subtext of every interaction I have that I could walk out and be just fine. It’s other people that seem to need me, that’s THEIR weakness, I’m just soaking them for money for a better retirement.
Am I that cold though? Sometimes I want to be, just me and the dark night of the soul which is the only interesting thing humans seem to be doing these days.
Deep down, I really just want to find something more terrifying than my rage unbound….. and again, I shout at myself “EGOISM, YOU SELF CENTERED FOOL”
I’m sure I’m not frightening at all, a paper tiger in a paper gown. It is only the self flattery of a fragile masculinity, same as most men these days.
5 comments
Not capable of psychoanalysing you, but a couple of thoughts:
1. Being intrigued by the depravity of others seems relatively common – think that plays a part in the obsession with media about serial killers etc. There’s a reason violence sells. Quite regularly when I come across a story of a murder that seems out of the norm, I find myself drawn in, wanting to know the details. Wanting to understand how they got there, and how that relates to my own mind and the places I’ve been. Maybe you take it further than most, but I think it’s a common impulse.
2. I don’t think you can really feel how much you need other people until/unless you find yourself unable to be around them. It’s only when that option for connection disappears that you fully grasp how important it is. I’m not sure how you’d get there without doing something terrible – marooning yourself on a desert island with no way to escape might be close. But as long as you know that you have the option, you won’t feel it.
I guess I don’t get the hand wringing, the moralizing that normal folk do in response to certain acts, and it makes me wonder if I’m somehow sicker than normal as my reaction is; “well what else would you DO in that situation?” I was digging into a particularly hidden true crime, it always seems to me the ones considered really perverse you have to dig for the details, but everyone around the story made such efforts to cast the killer as sick and deranged….. inhuman…..
and my immediate impulse is finding his humanity, identifying with him. That’s what prompted me feeling sick about myself. I don’t think I’d do what he did…. just for practical reasons, I’ve never found a reason to hurt someone that justifies the cost economically and socially….. but I can get how in the heat of the moment you don’t calculate, I’ve been there.
Really all that seperates me from him is education and treatment…. maybe environmental factors, didn’t get much into his background. But once you’ve stepped in it, made a really stupid series of decisions, it’s hard to get out.
I don’t like winners, or rich people, or companies that show a huge profit. In my mind those people are taking the piss. I like the people who know they screwed up, who it doesn’t work out for, and who have something to learn…… the people our society treats as disposable. Those are the ones who actually risked something, probably some of the bravest people there are.
So I don’t know how to function in a winner take all world, where when I meet someone who’s the town hero I want to punch them square in the jaw and tell them to check their ego.
I suppose it’s natural for people to want to distance themselves from those who commit vile acts, as a way of maintaining belief in their own humanity. If you acknowledge that if you were in the place of another person, with all the same biological and environmental factors motivating you, then you would act as they did; then you have to face the idea that evil is built into the world. And that can be deeply depressing.
I suppose you could look at it as something wrong with you, that you haven’t internalized the appropriate “social distancing” from evildoers. But then our culture is somewhat schizophrenic about the whole thing – we simultaneously want to understand and empathize, but also condemn and punish. Our prophets tell us “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, but then they also assure us that many of us will burn in hell.
It’s possible to risk everything, commit terrible atrocities, and still win big and get rich. History is littered with desperate men doing awful things and getting away with it. The likes of Pizarro and Cortes spring to mind. Risk-taking is just another survival strategy, high probability of failure in exchange for great reward. There’s nothing inherently noble in it. But everyone does love an underdog, and it makes the best stories..
It’s natural to resent those who seem to have it all. I try to remember that no life goes untouched by tragedy. The all-star athlete that has recurring leukaemia. The beautiful actress who was exploited as a child and has to drink to deal with the pain. The charlatan presidential candidate who has dementia (both of them.) No one gets out of here untouched.
“then you have to face the idea that evil is built into the world.”
exactly. far too many ppl in society *pretend* they are so nice/just/moral/upstanding/good ppl, when in reality, the vast majority are not. yes there are the objectively evil ppl- ppl who rape/kill/etc. what deters most ppl is NOT “oh it’s wrong” but “it’s against the law and if i do xyz i will get in trouble and everyone will find out.”
if ppl knew they would NOT get caught for xyz crime and get punished, many *would* commit said evil acts.
most ppl pretend they’re such good ppl but in reality, most aren’t. if thought crimes were punishable, everyone would be in jail. humans are literally the most violent species out there. it’s funny how so many ppl twist everything to project outwardly and to make themselves feel like they’re “a good person.”
i’ve met so many snakes out there- the ppl who pretend to be so nice, so kind, etc but are really snakes- that i actually appreciate a bad person flat out saying “yeah i’m not a good person.”
@heartless- have you watched the tv series Hannibal with
Mads Mikkelsen? the criminal profiler (Will) hunting down the serial killers is so good at hunting them down bc he can easily put himself into their minds, and think just like them. which scare him bc he wonders if he’s really a psychopath himself, just like the psychopaths he hunts and captures.