Always an option

I keep seeing these signs saying “suicide is never an option.” But they’re wrong, pretty much the opposite is true it is always an option…. Maybe a difficult option, one that makes people sad .. but an option damn it. Normally I’d try to hold onto it and vent later but this fact has literally kept me alive.

Because if you convinced me I was losing that option, I’d charge for that exit with all speed. Because otherwise I’m trapped. I can only keep procrastinating death, keep those plates spinning as long as the door out is unlocked .

It also brings up another issue: people seem to think it’s okay to lie to the mentally ill if it produces the outcome they want… It isn’t okay, because now we’re in playing dirty I shouldn’t have to be restricted as much either…. But it’s a lopsided power dynamic which happens a lot in depression..,.

Which returns me to my premise. I’d hold that option over people, be a tad sadistic about how that door is right there any time, and no one can stop a committed individual …

and it was at this point I realize; I never told you guys that, did I? dangerous thing to tell a group like this…..  but I paused to check, not a method, not a partner, just a philosophic fact. How do I know? Well, two things; A; I worked in inpatient mental health, so I know all kinds of awful things I can never say. B; My professor let it slip during a suicidality seminar in my senior year of undergrad, and it might be the most revealing thing I ever learned in that degree.

See, HE spent even more time than I had working with disturbed youth. It’s what made him so darned charismatic. He also had no problem letting the class derail for any question about anything. This being a class about suicide, well you can imagine. It came up, can you really stop someone suicidal? The answer is no. Well, a qualified no. You can for a while, medical science being what it is. Physical restraints are for the most part illegal… but they’ve got some decent chemical ones, that’ll hold you for a good few years.

I guess I should say it’s complicated and expensive. If you can afford one on one attention 24 hours a day 365 days a year maybe you could hold up a decade, maybe. The human spirit though, it’s so creative, boundless, full of innovation and will. There is no certainty. There is no unbreakable bond. No restraint that reliable.

So most of the time they try to throw cheap obstacles, like lies. I’m honestly starting to wonder if the people who run things really want to reduce the suicide rate.

I really don’t think most people have a full picture, and I don’t recommend it for most. But if you’re already set on dying….. what do you have to lose? Hope? that left a long time ago. Faith in humanity? HA!!

Whatever keeps most of us here is as elusive and pointless as the rest of the fairy dust that the human race persists on. I don’t see the point in pretending that there’s some noble beauty, or sacredness to human life. It’s no different than a fly. We live, we die. It’s just much, much, much slower.

What if flies are suicidal eh? We provide them suicide options with those bug zappers…… it’s a wonder that our morality pretty much drops off when it leaves our species

then there’s the parts I didn’t say, like maybe I’m running from that I spent two hours today trying to reconstruct the last 19 years of my life. So yeah, my entire adult life because I ejected from high school at age 17. So I’ve spent more time as an “adult” than I did as a child.

Really I was more shocked by how little of my adult life has been silent. I thought it was most of it. Four or five years at most I’ve spent not being. Even then I was doing something, odd jobs, trying to get into school or something. Well, there was that year I was drunk. We don’t talk about that much.

Most of the gaps were less than six months. That’s a short gap, based on what I know now about job searches.

Eh. Also got my on paper eval back about the last two months back, “meets expectations” again, I say “eh”.

There’s a part of me that feels like I deserve more…..but I’m willing to wait and work for it. I’m not going to complain or whine. If the results don’t work out a few years on, I can reassess.