Whilst casually text-ranting about racism with a friend, she texted about the anti-semitism she experiences. And how, as a white person, she didn’t realize how much racism is around until this war, now people realize she is jewish, and then they hate her. And I just… wasn’t emotionally available for her. You’d think, of all people, that I would have empathy for someone experiencing racism. But if I’m really honest…. it’s hard for me to empathize with someone who just suddenly woke up to the fact that racism exists on the planet when I’ve been dealing with it my whole life. Part of me resents that white people just get to walk around with their eyes closed to this thing which affects a fuck tone of people. Still, racism is racism and it’s shit that anyone has to experience that. But… if they weren’t able to empathize with the 40+ years of racism I had to endure, why should I empathize with them? Am I the asshole? I’m back and forth on this one.
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Wouldn’t say “asshole” per say. It’s understandable to resent people for not having the struggles you do and not even being aware of it.
Some perspective I would offer – it’s the same for any other issue that people deal with. Unless you have personal experience of it or happen to be particularly keyed in to an issue, there’s no reason to truly understand or appreciate the struggles of others. Everybody is focused on their own shit. This is true of everything, from disability to poverty to mental illness.
Using myself as an example: I have no real understanding of what it’s like to grow up poor. I never went without anything essential. I had friends from poorer backgrounds, but that never gave me a deep understanding of what it felt like to go without adequate food or clothing. Even now, when I’m certainly low-income and have to watch my spending, I still have no real comprehension of that kind of grinding deep poverty. I can fear falling into it, and wish it didn’t exist, and vote for political parties that promise to solve it. But I still won’t actually get it.
When it comes to disability, I have no understanding of what it’s like to feel reliant on the goodwill of others to function, or what it’s like to deal with people’s assumptions about you. I have some experience of the way people treat those with moderate mental illness, but I don’t know what it’s like to be sectioned with schizophrenia, or forced to take medication, or restrained. I can listen to people tell me their experiences, but it’s never going to connect in the same way. It briefly passes through my awareness, and like everything else gets filed in the “not my business” section of my brain. Maybe useful for later reference, but nothing to concern myself with day to day.
We’re naturally fairly self-centred as a species. We care about our loved ones, and ourselves, and maybe a few close friends. But unless we see something up close and personal day to day, it may as well not exist for us. There are millions of people around the world starving, right now. Millions in agonizing pain. Millions living through the hell of war. I know they exist, rationally. I can watch them on the news. But their experiences aren’t really real for me. They won’t be, until I’m actually there myself, or very close.
I think you’re missing a key component in the situation…. I totally get that everyone is ignorant of things that do not directly impact them. But that’s not the situation… my friend is FINALLY being directly impacted by racism, at age 50. So she now knows what it’s like (obviously not the same as growing up with racism and having it impact your whole self of self worth and personal development, but anyway….
I guess it just irks me that she doesn’t have concept that I am not the one to seek solace from, on this particular issue. It’s like, if you, as a 50 year old, got in a car accident and lost your legs, and you start whining about not having legs to some guy who was born without legs. The guy born without legs is gonna be like, “quit whining. At least you had 50 years with legs, which enabled you to work in whatever field you wanted, hopefully save some money, develop a strong sense of self, maybe gave you more confidence with romantic relations, and hopefully do all the things to set yourself up for old age. Whereas me, legless, faced all those barriers from the jump, and you never gave a shit about my struggles then so don’t expect me to give a shit about your struggles now.”
Actually, I’m not annoyed about racism in this particular encounter…. I’m more annoyed at people in general’s lack of capacity to gauge appropriate situations. It is stunningly clear to me that I, as someone who was ‘born legless’ (re: the above metaphor) am not the right person to whine to, and it’s frustrating that people lack the ability to see things which are so obvious….
Hmmm, I can see where you’re coming from. But I can also kind of understand, if you were suddenly to find yourself without legs and no one else able to relate, turning to the one person you think might be able to understand.
And you can say that’s coming from a more privileged position, and sure… but I wouldn’t necessarily expect someone who’s hurting and may be flailing around for help to understand that and not look for support. Their focus is going to be “shit, I just lost my legs, how the fuck do I cope with this.” Not “hey, at least I’ve had it better than them, I really shouldn’t bother them with my shit.” If you suddenly found yourself actually legless, would it be obvious to you that your legless friend was not the person to talk to about it? Or would you have other stuff on your mind, overriding such sensitivities?
But then I’d look at it differently if this was someone who’d been totally unsympathetic to you in the past when you’d related your experiences of racism. In that case I guess I’d at least expect them to have the awareness to be apologetic first, before seeking any support.
Is it the case that you explicitly communicated your struggles and they just didn’t give a shit? Or were they just as oblivious as everyone else is to everything else (in which case my previous comment kind of applies) ?
Regardless, I wouldn’t say “YTA”. Totally get that it’s irksome, frustrating etc. I suppose I’m thinking more on how you judge your friend.
Good point. Yes, she is coming from a privileged position, but I guess it makes sense that she would try to confide in me. And she’s likely not in the right place to be thinking about my needs right now.
I guess I just dealt with a lot of hurdles from early childhood. I grew up a woman of colour, not much money, pretty turbulent early childhood. And having to overcome all af that toughened me up a lot. So when people look to me for sympathy on account of things like recently becoming broke, or recent racism, it feels like their struggles are small potatoes since I’ve been dealing with that since I was a kid. I guess I have to remember that if you don’t grow up with these things, you lack a lifetime experience of coping skills. (the coping skills comes along with trauma, so I’m not sure it’s a fair trade….)
She’s a good person, and sympathetic to an extent. But… last year, we did a job together (that’s how we met). And there was racism coming from the higher-ups. And in that situation, I had to reckon with a difficult choice, I was considering walking off the job. Because racism is literally an existential threat to me, so how can I reconcile working for a racist? In that time, she was sympathetic, but I knew full well that she would never consider quitting, either on principle, or in solidarity with me. That is the reality of the situation – if one is not directly impacted by racism, you can never trust that they will have your back. I try not to hold that against people, but it’s hard. Obviously, it makes me feel very isolated, knowing full well that I will continue to fight my battles alone. Which is also what makes it hard for me to now get involved in her battles….
I should try to forget all that past baggage and focus on the present situation. This applies to many things actually. I’m cursed with a brilliant memory and I remember every indiscretion. I’m not an easy person to be around….
It’s understandable to feel like their struggles are comparatively small potatoes. And I’m not sure you owe anyone a sympathetic ear on such subjects. Maybe there’s subtle ways to indicate to someone that you’re not capable of providing that kind of support, or pointing them in the direction of other coping resources?
One comparison I thought of is that I often talk to family members about my minor health issues. Now these family members have far more serious health concerns than I do. But I don’t feel like I’m being insensitive in talking to them about it, partly because they ask questions and seem genuinely concerned, partly because they often offer useful advice and feedback on coping mechanisms. But if I got the sense that doing so made them uncomfortable, or they really didn’t care that much, I’d probably avoid mentioning it. I’m generally far less forthcoming on my mental health issues with them, because I’ve often gotten the sense in the past that it’s been overwhelming for them or risked triggering their own issues.
I’m not sure how much solidarity it’s reasonable to expect from friends when it comes to workplace discrimination. I think in situations of abuse from management I’d want something like I a union to have my back. But I don’t know if I’d expect a work friend to walk out with me in solidarity on their own. Maybe it depends on how much the job meant to them, how precarious their economic situation is etc? But I get it must feel enormously isolating having to face that on your own.
I will not re-open this conversation with my friend. I’ve learnt the hard way, 5 years living in Canada, that Canadians are extremely non-confrontational, and addressing problems directly is often perceived as an attack. It will not be appreciated, has been my experience. It’s not in my nature, but I will do as the Canadians do: ignore the problem. It’s not really a big problem anyway – the moment passed. I’m just reflecting on my own actions here.
I don’t think your comparison is quite the same…. because your minor health problems likely aren’t that stigmatized, consequently it’s not a really emotional topic (like racism, disability, etc). The better comparison is actually your mental health issues. The reason you don’t discuss them with family is because you recognize it can be triggering or overwhelming for them…. case in point…. you are demonstrating exactly the kind of foresight that I wished I got from my friend.
I really don’t expect anyone to quit a job in solidarity with me…. in the end, I didn’t even quit because it was so close to the end anyway. It was more just that in the moment, I had all these white people going ‘oh no, that really sucks’, but their empty platitudes kinda made me feel worse because I KNEW the truth: they wouldn’t have my back. Talk is cheap, so I’d rather people say nothing at all rather than bullshit as if they care.
It’s weird for me. The color of my skin is white, and I know due to a lot of coding in society that I’m white, but I’m so eternally weirded out by how other white people treat everyone else.
Chances are I’m identifying more with the Native, or the Mexican than the white guy. Now I’ll be grouped with the white guy, and he’ll hate me for it. This is the usual pattern. So I know racism. I’ve seen it, and heard people say awful things. Seriously, dog whistle stuff I thought was just a joke when I was a kid.
But you know, in my job I have to explain to grown adults that their jobs take taxes out of their paychecks. I thought this was the first thing every employer ever told you; Here’s your W2, you check these boxes, it decides how much tax will be withheld from your check. If it’s too much you get a refund, if it’s too little you owe a repayment.
That was 23 years ago. Granted I have practice saying it every day to another adult who seems to have forgotten it. Then I have to explain about healthcare and retirement sometimes too. Sometimes I even have to explain entire sections of my high school civics text book. Like that the food stamps office is not a notary public, or a medical clinic.
So, having contempt for the intelligence of human adults is a perfectly rational reaction. No, you are not the asshole.
Thanks for saying so 🙂 But I’m still back and forth on this. I can’t help feeling what I feel, even though I know it makes me a not great person. I think I’m the asshole who wants to not be one….
Now I’m genuinely trying to remember how I learned that taxes get taken out of your pay check. Your clients are lucky, they’re getting 2 for 1: help with social services, and a high school refresher.
Well, I did always say I wanted to teach
I’d just hoped my pupils would be a little younger, aha