I had been at the peak of my lonilyness, where I was willing to engage with anyone, just to get them to engage back. I blame those two weeks of training, hyper soaked in dopamine and being relevant, then back home and not relevant at all again. Okay, I’m somewhat relevant, but I was dangerously relevant in training. I think they were worried, of course that’s probably a paranoid daydream.
It’s a lot of daydreams these days, I feel like a little boy daydreaming all over the place. I can’t make myself interested enough in now. There are still people who swat my hand and scold me for being a daydreamining little boy too.
I just realized that is how I’ll frame it. It may not be how it is, but it’s a way I can understand it. Foolish daydreamer is one of my faults. It’s something I don’t talk about.
I was going to make a moralistic appeal to the holiness of communication and the right to challenge societal conventions without suffering verbal abuse. It was going to be dickensian. Please sir, can I have some more stage to defend my idealistic rubish?
That’s what you call it, idealistic rubbish!
Well I’m just a trash goblin then, a regular possum from possum kingdom. You might say the king of that dominion.
I’m so sick of egg on my face for having a moral fiber. I’m sorry I haven’t sold the last half of my soul, but I won’t do it, you can’t have it. If it’s have dignity or eat, looks like I’ll starve. But you won’t let us starve, you just try to make it really inconvenient.
I say you. If only there was some central antagonist. A you, even a plural you to refer to. Marx got close, FDR got close.
Heck, I’ll say a near swear and say I think Obama got close. W seemed like he wanted to right up until he took office, I never understood how that worked. Sorry, former political junkie. Now it makes me sick. Like all pleasures in life, spoiled.
Now I’m just waiting to be drafted to a cause, not of violence, I’m useless for that, but there’s stuff I could be useful for, and if those ends could go towards the cause of human togetherness and the betterment of the majority of the species and not of material interests.
Now I realize I have written a good test for a medium sensitivity on whether there is an anti capitalist strike AI. That’s what you do with paranoia, you test it. I realize now that rogue scifi horrors are no different than any other nightmare in this world. You poke it. If it responds, it’s real.More than half of them don’t respond at all.
Yeah, as I was writing this that particular paranoid thought slipped in, and scared me good for a minute. So that was me working in flow to face my fear. It’s reflexive now, I’m more proud of that than probably anything else in my life. Because young fear hasn’t set in yet, it’s so much easier to face fresh. So I tackled it.
It’s not gone entirely, but faded, like an afterimage. Anyway, the point is that I don’t have an audience that I know of. A few people find me mildly interesting. I got a lot of attention when I wrote about smoking, but that was never a passion. I really love to write is the difficulty. A writer can no more stop writing than breathing the air. My home keyboard is almost like part of my body at this point.
But I can’t reveal myself anywhere. I try, really I do. But the venues I used to go to don’t work anymore. All the social media sites have become cesspits. Forums have overspecialized, they aren’t the generalistic beasts they were back when I used them more. Blogs are aging and barely holding stuff together. Obviously this one works out for us.
So now we are isolated both in reality and virtually.
And my experience is that when you do engage, people are frequently rude or unpleasant.
Is polite society exstinct? Can no one be civil and decent to each other? Just long enough for all of us to take a few deep breaths and take tea, for pity sake.