Shell

Please tell me if any of what I say here is meaningful. I’m somewhat convinced most of what I say lately is bloviating, so I’m trying to distill it down to meaning.

I’m a shell, there once was more inside. Maybe there is deep down in there, I haven’t seen the soft bit in so long.  I saw the smallest bit six years ago, and it was pretty rough when it had to retreat again.

So it must be nice to be so sincere about things as  people on this site in general are. I’ve been studying why I’m not dead. Not in a self pity way, oh why won’t it let me die? In a clinical….. I have every reason to be dead. The world, for whatever reason it’s really complicated, won’t let me die. It’s not because I’m such a nice person. It is partially that I’m educated, I worked some years, my gender and the color of my skin.

But existentially, spiritually there are more things than just an economic interest keeping me alive. People, who have none of these often directly yet do me immense kindnesses. They get really focused on not letting me die but further still trying to not let me get sick or go hungry or homeless.

So this baffles me, because the world is cruel. My personal situation seems shielded.

Since I discovered this, and it was relatively young, I’ve been driven to try and prove out my worth. I wanted to be worthy of the adventure I’d survived.

Now I’m just a shell though. A shell of that. That dream crystalized.

I don’t know how to trust that deeply, or need that sharply. It’s not something I know anymore.

So shell, maybe old.

So much of what I was…. I don’t know if it’s hidden or dead, but I can’t conjure it in these times.

I’m just a sign, upon which is written:

Once there was a man, who aspired to much
accomplished a little, impressed a few
and amounted to barely anything at all

So….. abscent zombie apocolypse, I don’t see who I was coming back. I’m pro meteor, or anything else that wipes this species from history. Give squid a chance to build a society, why not?!