Looking for perspective of someone with ADHD on my situation with my friend.
We were best mates and eventually dated in high school, and people said he had it, but I never believed it. Just felt like that was a label they slapped on a lot of smart kids who found school boring. He never presented with the typical symptoms (hyperactivity, non-stop talking, non-linear conversations). He always seemed totally focused and interested to me, and was never a big talker. Today he told me he was just trying that hard to impress me, and he was really good at hiding it. Which tracks. He’s super smart so he’d be good at covering it up.
I made a mistake. I told him last week I was writing his daughter into my will. I had to message him to get his daughter’s name, obvs. But it got him panicked apparently. We spoke on the phone for a bit. I think the last time we spoke was 2011. After we got off the phone he said it was trippy hearing my voice again, and his mind was racing with all these memories. We’ve been texting a bit, and that’s been really nice, because usually he’s shit at staying in touch. We’ve gone long periods of time estranged, so it’s nice talking to him. The periods of estrangement were always on him, never me. I always wanted to stay friends. Anyway, I assumed this texting would eventually peter out. I don’t want to be too much of a time suck, he has a work and a part time kid, and friends and a new girlfriend. So I don’t hassle him unless he texts me first. And he has been, this whole week.
Today he texted that it was really cool hearing from me and having me back in his life (which is totes weird, because I’ve always been available as a friend to him, he’s the one always giving the cold shoulder). He said he woke up, his mind racing with memories. It was 1:30 am where he lives. This worries me. It’s not good, to wake up with racing thoughts in the middle of the night, right? But he says they’re all good memories. So I don’t know what to think. So I gave him a call, I thought it could calm him down. He always has that effect on me. We had a really nice chat for a few hours, but then an hour after we got off the phone he texted he can’t sleep (5am for him at that point).
I’m starting to feel like it’s maybe not good for him for us to be talking? If it keeps his mind spinning off into all these memories? It’s confusing. He says it’s rad hearing from me and cool things are happening in his life, hearing from me is one of them. But if he’s waking up with racing thoughts… that sounds…. not healthy to me. I know people with ADHD sometimes get fixated on things, and I worry I’ve triggered some thought process that isn’t good for him. But.. they’re good memories. He remembers so much, and speaks with such fondness about those times we shared.
Anyone with ADHD, what’s your perspective? Does this sound bad?
4 comments
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid, but it turns out I don’t have it. But just from a third, party perspective, something there seems a little off. He may not be doing as well as he says he is. I’d keep that in mind.
I know. I just don’t know what to do about it. He sounds so happy when we speak, but racing thoughts? I thought someone with adhd might understand what that’s about
heh, there aren’t accidents. He’s talking to you because something resonates, is my guess. I have ADHD. Well, I had ADD, non hyperactive type. Take away the stimulants, no one would describe me as hyperactive.
But non attentive? Oh sure. It’s a weakness in the brain’s executive center, the part that regulates focus and memory. It just manifests differently. yes, hyperfocus is part of it.
TBH, it almost sounds like a romantic or super nostalgic trip he might be on. How were things between you before? Like oh shit you decided to go? But feelings….. undiscussed……. that’s the feeling I get off of it. He’s got stuff to work out.
So advice? Me I’d let it work out, I never met a person in search of connection I didn’t want to nurture though, for well or ill. It goes wrong, what you limit it there. That’s doable. I guess there’s the fear he could go creepy after that, but that’s rare. Handled well, not much of a problem IMHO.
if you’re going to push though, I’d push now. that connection will have value…. and he’ll want to see it to it’s natural conclusion. That’s the liability of it.
Or be frank; ask him what he wants, he probably hasn’t considered it, people in general are delightfully non self aware, it’s sweet how they don’t dissect every act they do wondering if it’s appropriate.
Guess what. Now I woke up at 1:30am. Think it’s the munchies, I don’t eat much lately which means when I take cannabis I get the munchies in the middle of the night.
I was reading a bit about adhd and the hyperactivity can mean either physical or mental. Both of you and my friend sound like they have mental hyperactivity.
Definitely nostalgic trip. Doubt romantic, I mentioned he’s got a new girlfriend.
I left our home town because it made me miserable. He was the only good thing about that place. But I always planned to leave after school. Everyone, including him, knew that was plan for the last 2 years of school. We only started dating in the final year so we always knew on some level it likely wouldn’t last. But we had great fun dumb teenagers doing dumb teen things
I think he already told me what he wants. He said he wanted to be a teenager again. I would not go back there for the world. So much anger and pain. He had his as well, which I’m sure he’s forgotten. That’s nostalgia right? Looking behind you with rose tinted glasses