I feel good

So I think I’m finally going to kill myself.  After years and years of struggling I’m finally doing it and surprisingly I feel pretty good about it.  I never thought it would be this easy since I have always had an internal struggle about it before, but now I just really don’t care.  I guess its because I’m not a christian anymore.

I gave it a good run, I really did.  I did the  “hold on and it will get better” “you’re still so young and there’s so much you would miss out on in the future if you killed yourself now” idea and guess what–it didn’t work!  And you know, maybe swallowing all of these pills with whisky won’t work either, or at least not completely but honestly I’m ok with that because maybe it will still turn me into a vegetable which I am ok with because it’s still a lot  better than being alive.  And true, maybe it will suck being a vegetable for the next 20, 40 or how ever many years it takes for me to finally die, but like I mentioned before, hopefully if I’m a vegetable I don’t have to endure the painful future I would have had in store for me.

So maybe I do feel a little guilty about how my “friends” and family might feel but oh well.  It’s not like they ever truly cared when I was actually alive. In fact, I could tell that they felt sorry for me a lot of the time and I’m so tired of people feeling sorry for me.  I mean, I could have had it all but it’s like fate just never wanted that to happen for me EVER and I’m tired of holding on.   I’ve been fighting my whole life against the constant depression and hopelessness I feel inside and with nothing to show for it.  It’s like that guy who keeps trying to push the huge rock up the hill and every time he almost gets to the top, it rolls to the bottom again.  Seriously, I can’t think of one positive thing that has come out of my almost 20 year seemingly endless life.  I’m in a good place now.  It’s time to go.

Anyway, I wish you all good luck  with your personal struggles and hopefully someday you will find a good solution to your problems like I did.