It’s weird. I read everyone else’s stories and I see a light in every story. I feel like everyone can get better. Even when things seem hopeless. Everyone except me. I see no way out other than death. I know I will only be happy when I end it, or when god ends it for me. I pray at least once a day god will kill me naturally because it would be better for everyone that way. However, I guess since it would actually make me happy to finally die of natural causes, god of course keeps me here in this prison of a body. I think he wants me to kill myself. Maybe that is my purpose.
I know someone has probably asked this before, but here is my dilemma. My family knows I’m extremely depressed and suicidal. I’ve been this way for more than 10 years. I’ve seen therapists. Â I’ve taken the pills. I’ve seen the counselors and licensed professionals. I stayed in the hospital for Â about a week and a half and was absolutely miserable. I did all the things and spent all the money on what I was supposed to in order to “get better”. My question now is should I leave a note? Â I feel like at this point, my suicide is pretty self explanatory. Plus I don’t have anyone but family. Â They will probably be sad at first, but I know they will ultimately realize this is for the best. They know how worthless and pointless my life has been. Â Even reading this site has made me realize just how worthless I really am. Â Maybe I should leave something behind though. Should I write a will? Â I should delete my computer history and I should probably clean my room first. It’s an absolute disaster. I need to go to the liquor store for some liquid courage first too. Anyway, what are some of the last things y’all would make sure to do before you go?
I hate feeling like this every day.Â I hate never wanting to get out of bed.Â I hate knowing that things will never get better no matter how hard I try.Â I hate knowing that I was doomed from the start to end up like this. I hate how other girls Â whine and complain about how terrible their lives are, and yet they have boyfriends.Â Like, seriously, SHUT UP. At least SOMEONE cares.Â At least you have enough luck that guys are willing to be seen in public with you and you still have the hope of a happy ending.Â I have no hope.Â I have no one.Â I only have guys that are interested in me for my body, and even then they really aren’t THAT interested.Â They want my number and pictures etc. but the second I try to have a real conversation or imply going on a date or having to be seen with me in public, they come up with a million and one excuses why they can’t.Â It’s tiring.Â I’ll always be alone.Â I almost wouldn’t mind it if it weren’t for the fact that society acts like any female who can’t get a boyfriend is completely worthless.Â They are probably right.Â I see nasty, unappealing girls with bad personalities who always have boyfriends all the time so obviously I must be the most worthless unappealing creature in the world to not even be able to attract ONE guy. I mean, I attract them.Â I purposely go to the store in sweats, glasses, and no makeup because I hate being harassed and followed.Â However, I can never get any decent guys that want to be my boyfriend, or even take me on more than one date.Â I am reminded of this every day and it just makes me more and more depressed.
My love life is pretty bad, but the rest of my life sucks too.Â My dad makes a pretty decent amount of money, but he is extremely selfish, negative, and controlling.Â It drives me absolutely nuts.Â I can’t find a job because I’m not pretty enough and I don’t have a full degree yet or experience so I’m stuck living in this prison of a house with him.Â My mom is over a thousand miles away and she is the only person that kind of cares.Â She always complains about me though so even though I know she will be sad when I kill myself, I know that it will ultimately be for the better. Â I have NO friends and no one takes me seriously. Everyone assumes I’m dumber than a box of rocks as most people can’t wrap their heads around the idea that a n***** can actually be smart.Â I’m tired of living in a would where if you are a female, the only thing that matters is if you look a certain way. If you are born without the “right look” you are screwed for life no matter how decent or smart of a person you may be.Â I looked up information on assisted suicide, but of course you can only receive that if you have “a disease which will lead to death (terminal illness), and/or an unendurable incapacitating disability, and/or, unbearable and uncontrollable pain.” Â Isn’t being ugly a “terminal illness or uncontrollable pain”?Â What about being a n*****? if you asked most people honestly, they would say that being a n****** is pretty close to having a terminal illness or disability as you will never have most people’s respect. Â Even when I looked into studying abroad as a way of escape, every country I looked up seemed to have issues with blacks so now I feel like there is no escape from this pain except death. Â Sometimes I want to fight and become an amazing person just to prove all of the naysayers and racists wrong, but I hate failing, and something tells me that a non-mixed black female trying to make a positive impact in the world is an absolute recipe for failure. It’s not worth it and I’m tired of feeling like absolute sh*t every hour of every day.Â Sorry this turned out long, and thank you to anyone that read this.
What a joke. I actually thought my life would get better. Ha! The first time I really considered suicide was in 8th grade but, I talked myself out of it because I thought surely this was only a rough patch and things would get better eventually. The second time I seriously considered suicide was in 10th grade but I thought that maybe once I got out of high school, things would actually begin to improve. Maybe when I reached college I would finally start having the life I was supposed to have with friends that cared, guys actually liking me, independence, goals…Well, freshman year of college was no different, but I thought maybe all it needed was getting used to. Well, I’m in my fourth year of university now, and I still feel the exact same way I did in 8th grade. I feel so stupid. Why didn’t I just end it all then and save all of the extra pain I’ve suffered over the years? Why didn’t I just follow my heart and kill myself? I realize now that it has been my destiny all along so why not just do it now and get it over with? Â The worst part is that I still want to believe and hope that maybe maybe things will get better. Maybe tomorrow things will finally start to improve and 5 years from now, I’ll look back and realize that killing myself would have been a big mistake. Unfortunately, I have to let go of that hope and see my life for what it truly is: a big pile of shit. I have to accept that that will never change. I had a failed suicide attempt a few weeks ago and it just makes me wish I had tried harder and maybe I would have actually succeeded with my attempt. Â I hate that I failed. Â At least I wouldn’t feel this pain anymore. Â Anyway, I’m rambling. Â Thanks for reading.
I’m in the process of taking painkillers that I’m chasing with vodka/rum. I’ve wanted to do this for as long as I can remember. I’ve wanted to die for so long. I waited and prayed for God to kill me but he never did so now I’m going to do it my way now.
Its funny. My life could be a lot worse. I made the cheerleading squad at the college I’m transferring to. Something I wanted really bad and worked really really hard for. I got a good internship for this summer that not only will pay well but will look good on my resume for when I apply for jobs and for when I apply to grad school. Or I guess I should say applied. Now it will never happen.
I know its dumb since I’m 20 and what I’m about to say sounds so middle school but it hurts knowing that I’ll never be good enough for any man and that I’ll probably die a virgin unless I’m raped. I was already molested by a guy that I had liked for over a year. We were both drunk (he more so then I) and ended up fondling me even though I at first told him to stop. I thought of course that him feeling me up would mean that he would actually want me but he doesn’t. Of course I’m not good enough for him. I even started smoking weed with him to try and impress him but of course he still finds me repulsive. I can’t even get a druggie to like me, so I’ll obviously never be able to attract anyone decent. I’m not good enough for any guys. They’d rather stick pins in their eyes than be seen with me in public, much less date or marry me. I’m the only one of my friends now that’s single. I’ve never even been asked out on a date. I hate feeling so ugly and alone all of the time. It will never change. I know that now.
And then a few hours ago, my mom comes and tells me I have to stay with my dad for the summer instead of my grandparents since my grandpa is really sick. This is my last living grandfather and now he might die and on top of that, I hate my dad. He’s extremely controlling and manipulative and literally hates to see me have fun. He rarely even let’s me leave the house. He had a really rough upbringing and loves to take it out on me now that my mom has divorced him and he has no one else to make miserable.
Maybe I am scaerd about killing myself. I don’t know what will happen to me once I’m actually dead. I’m scared. I kind of don’t want to take the rest of these pills, but I need to because I know my life is never going to change for the better like they always say it will. I’m sick of being lied to.
I just wish it could have all ended better. I wanted to show all of the people who put me down for all these years that I was worth something. That I could succeed despite them constantly trying to make me feel like I should kill myself. Well congratulations. They won. I’m not putting up with this anymore.
I can’t be myself because that will never be good enough. I’m seen as worthless and no one will talk to me for not being “hot” but when I am “hot”, I’m harrassed by nasty guys and older men who only want one thing. Sucks to be a girl.
Sorry for anyone that actually read this if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense or if its grammatically incorrect in places. I honestly barely even know what I’m writing since I’m already feeling high and buzzy from the pills/alcohol and I’m writing this on my crappy blackberry since my laptop won’t get internet anymore so no spell check. I guess I’m just venting. I hate hate hate my life. I just want it to be over. Even if I turn into a vegetable or a coma, at least I won’t have to deal with waking up every day and facing the horrible and hurtful people that surround me. I try to tell people how much I hate myself and my life but they just dismiss it, stop talking to me because they think I’m a lost cause, or worse, accuse me of just wanting attention. Do they really think this is a joke?
My “friends” keep calling/texting me. I was supposed to see the midnight premiere of sex and the city 2, a movie I’ve been waiting a very,very long time to see. I guess they’re actually worried about me. Ha! I’m tired and now I have a pounding headache and sharp pain in the back of my neck and head so I think I’ll just go to bed and see whether or not I wake up in the morning. Good night! In case I don’t wake up, thank you if you actually read this. It really means a lot to me since people hardly ever reply to my posts so thank you since these may be some of the last words I get to say. I hope life treats ya’ll well, or at least a hell of a lot better than it treated me.
So I think I’m finally going to kill myself. Â After years and years of struggling I’m finally doing it and surprisingly I feel pretty good about it. Â I never thought it would be this easy since I have always had an internal struggle about it before, but now I just really don’t care. Â I guess its because I’m not a christian anymore.
I gave it a good run, I really did. Â I did the Â “hold on and it will get better” “you’re still so young and there’s so much you would miss out on in the future if you killed yourself now” idea and guess what–it didn’t work! Â And you know, maybe swallowing all of these pills with whisky won’t work either, or at least not completely but honestly I’m ok with that because maybe it will still turn me into a vegetable which I am ok with because it’s still a lot Â better than being alive. Â And true, maybe it will suck being a vegetable for the next 20, 40 or how ever many years it takes for me to finally die, but like I mentioned before, hopefully if I’m a vegetable I don’t have to endure the painful future I would have had in store for me.
So maybe I do feel a little guilty about how my “friends” and family might feel but oh well. Â It’s not like they ever truly cared when I was actually alive. In fact, I could tell that they felt sorry for me a lot of the time and I’m so tired of people feeling sorry for me. Â I mean, I could have had it all but it’s like fate just never wanted that to happen for me EVER and I’m tired of holding on. Â I’ve been fighting my whole life against the constant depression and hopelessness I feel inside and with nothing to show for it. Â It’s like that guy who keeps trying to push the huge rock up the hill and every time he almost gets to the top, it rolls to the bottom again. Â Seriously, I can’t think of one positive thing that has come out of my almost 20 year seemingly endless life. Â I’m in a good place now. Â It’s time to go.
Anyway, I wish you all good luck Â with your personal struggles and hopefully someday you will find a good solution to your problems like I did.
I really never wanted to write a post on this website.Â Or I guess I do it’s just that I hate it when people judge me but oh well.Â It’s not like I have anything more to lose anyway so here goes…
I just don’t understand why dying is such a bad thing.Â I really don’t get it.Â Like why does everyone act like I’m such a freak just because I don’t want to live anymore?Â Is it because life really is supposed to be this wonderful perfect happy gift that never stops giving?Â Well if thats the case then I should really kill myself because my whole life is a f*cking mess and therefore should be terminated. Â
Every night I pray until I fall asleep that I’ll never wake up and of course I always do.Â It’s extremely frustrating.Â Especially since it’s the only wish I have and I can’t even have that granted while so many other people have the perfect life with the smitten boyfriend/husband, kids, friends, loving family that always accepts them.Â It’s gotten to the point where it takes hours to fall asleep and almost hours for me to even get out of bed.Â I have to mix whisky with orange juice almost every morning just to motivate myself enough just to get out of the house which that remedy won’t last much longer either since I only have a limited supply and I can’t buy anymore without a fake ID which I have no idea where to find that…plus I’m too much of a wimp.Â I’m scared I’ll get in trouble again.Â I already have fines and community service that were due almost more than a month ago that I haven’t even started.Â And I can’t tell my parents because they sure as hell won’t help me and will probably just make it worse by rubbing it in and constantly giving me a hard time about it.
It’s all so hopeless.Â I’ve felt this way since as long as I can remember.Â the first time I can remember wanting to kill myself was in the fourth grade and the feeling has never left me.Â The funny thing is, I was the biggest goody two shoes.Â I went to a “awesome” christian school.Â Never had a sip of alcohol in high school.Â Never tried drugs or slept around ever.Â And life still just sucked…big time.Â Even though the drugs and alcohol help me now, it’s a pretty expensive (not to mention illegal) lifestyle so in a way I guess it’s really not making things a lot easier.Â I don’t know what to do anymore.Â I’m just so miserable all of the time and its just not fair that I have to go through this when I feel like over all I’m an honest and nice person while the backstabbers and hypocrites are the ones who always have the charmed and wonderful life.Â I know I know, no ones life is perfect so even the backstabbers and hypocrites have hard and difficult times in life blah, blah, blah, but I know for a fact that none of them struggle as much as I do.Â They probably don’t have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning because they always have so many wonderful things in their life.Â None of them probably cry themselves to sleep every night because they feel so alone. In fact, they’re phones are usually constantly ringing off the hook with friends and lovers who think that they are the whole world and would do anything for them to like them back.Â And the most infuriating thing of all is that yeah they probably do feel depressed and go through a month or so of hard times but it always seems like somehow, fate works out perfectly for them and they come out from the struggle even better off than they were before while I have had a lifetime of struggles that never cease.Â Not a single break for me.Â It’s so unfair I can’t take it anymore. Â
Hopefully it will end soon and maybe, if fate loves me enough, I will wake up dead tomorrow, free from all the pain.Â
Sorry this was meant to be a simple post and of course I ended up ranting so thank you for bearing with me if you actually did read the whole thing.