sobriety progress

things being quiet, I have to remind myself that part of my misery is me taking on the project I am to try and get off heavy duty prescribed drugs and caffeine. I could have it easy if I just upped my dose on both. I’ve cracked a few times since I started trying. My full dose gets me nice and numb. However, it’s a shackle, and I’m less productive.

I really can’t describe it to someone who hasn’t been on heavy mood altering drugs most of their life. You know that they you that people have been seeing isn’t the real you. It makes it so hard to do anything, get a new job or move especially because you have to have decent insurance.

I don’t think of it as addiction, just dependence. No different from if I needed pain killers after a surgery. I’d have to stop when the need did, else it develops into something really nasty.

The need isn’t gone, but it’s a bit self reinforcing. Because of the drugs I struggle more, which makes me depend on them more. I’m just so bloody feeble on them.

So I had a bad night last night of sleep, but I did it because I didn’t want to break on my attempt to stay on the road to zero. Thinking about that though, I’m making progress. More nights pass where I don’t need as much. Maybe in a week or two I can step down again, lessen things and adapt.

It’s definitely part of why I’m so much more talkative and feeling so much more. The ones I’m trying to get off now really pushed down the reaction to most stress. So this is closer to the real me, whatever that is.