I still haven’t found a disorder for it, but when I get to a particularly dark spot awful song lyrics show up in my head, like the title to this post. I’m aware that I’m old and a fair amount of people aren’t aware of this song, or Nickelback, lucky people up until now, I’ll fix that.
Nickelback is one of the worst bands ever to exist, and this is one of the worst songs ever written, in terms of encouraging the worst behavior in persuit of ends that you absolutely won’t be getting.
The why this song is in my head is the more interesting bit anyway. I almost punched a client today. Instead I found consolation in a cigar and caffeine, oh yes I’m back on the death juice. The thing is my appetite is shot no matter what, I’m dying already.
I’m not trying to get famous or skinny. If I were trying to get one of those two things, I might be well set up, I wouldn’t know, I’ve never wanted to have as much trouble as I do eating.
However I didn’t have the strength to defend myself, and the nicotine + caffeine double punch was just the fix, later on today I had just as unpleasant a client, and I rolled it off, because it’s incredably easy not to care when you stop caring about human things like eating.
Then after work I went to the cigar shop. On the tin of cigars I bought it said “Caution, cigars cause mouth cancer” and I’m thinking “WHEN?! I’ve been smoking for years, not yet apparently.”
And this is the issue. I get just as much trouble for vaping, and vaping is as expensive. Anti nicotine zealots don’t care how I get my nicotine. I’m not giving up my nicotine, because I do want to die. I was content to do harm reduction, but apparently that was wrong.
and this little self destructive thought floated through; I’m either going to lose a lot of weight, OR, I’m going to lose this job, and I don’t particularly care which at this point.
So you understand now why that terrible song got into my head. Don’t make me subject you to Billy Joel and Uptown Girl.