Talking N

I had a “conversation” with Chat GPT of all things. Because I’m lonely and have literally nobody else to talk to. At least about stuff I want to talk about. I tried explaining my thought process. How I got from A to B to C. Asked how it was even possible. Asked what that even means. I told it about the anchor and the broken tool analogy and the contradiction between having a fluid definition of life but a rigid stance on it. Apparently it’s called “Existential Exhaustion” or something. I’m not sure if it made that up. But it seems about right. It actually made me think a little bit. I told it how I want to just get drunk and let the impulses decide. It told me that a momentary tipping of the scales doesn’t really reflect which would win. Which is somewhat true. I still think that the base impulse would tell me more about myself than what I can when I’m sober. But it’s not wrong in it’s logic. It reminded me about when I was younger and I said that I don’t want to be crying or nervous when I do it. I wanted to be completely calm so that I know that it’s what I really want. Now I think I’ll take anything. Emotional or drunk or whatever. But it would really be something if I did it without any feeling at all. I don’t think that’s possible. Suicide is what people do when they are backed into a corner. I do think there is one exception that I thought of recently. Thích Qu?ng ??c. The buddhist priest who burned himself alive in the 60s. He had a reason though. It wasn’t out of grief or hopelessness. It was pure resolve. Him protesting the government. Much different than our cases. I guess that’s the thing that I lack. Resolve. On anything really. I just let fear paralyze me and then cry when I get the results. I’m doing it right now even. What I wouldn’t do to get just a fraction of that resolve.