Spilling My Guts, Unfortunately

Well I fucked up. Last night I got black out drunk like I said I would. I’m waiting on parts that will be delivered by the end of the day so last night was the time to do so. Honestly it wasn’t as much as last time, but there was vomit in my vomit bag I don’t remember throwing up and I woke up in the bath tub with the shower running at 5 in the morning. I vaguely remember getting in there but not falling asleep. Not the point. I fucked up. I spilled my guts to two people but even more to one person. I was already in the sauce when I joined a discord call. We watched Team America and I kept going and going and going. I started saying all the fucked up shit. How I wanted to kill myself, how I missed my brother’s and mine’s birthday, how I’ll probably miss Christmas, how I have bipolar and schizoid personality disorder, how I almost got shot that one time, how my preferred method is shooting myself or a helium canister and worst of all about my new friend I’ve been talking to. l got really sappy about that part. Kind of embarrassing. I remember several times during the conversation saying how I really shouldn’t be saying any of this. I remember everything (somewhat) I said before blacking out. It really is not good. Even then I had the good sense not to mention how I was actually going through with killing myself a month ago or about this place. One of them left before I got into the really dark shit, but the other stuck around listening to my drunk rambling. I told both of them to pretend none of it happened and they seemed to have agreed, but there’s no taking it back. The person that stuck around is someone I’ve never been particularly close to. We’re on friendly terms, but I barely ever talk to her. Now besides my new friend and my therapist, she’s the person that knows me the third best. God dammit.