Drive

I’m pretty sure I read a post I wrote with the exact same title and “theme” I guess you would call it. Read it a little while ago. Anyways I don’t have any of it. I got back into the lab this Tuesday. Even then I don’t have the motivation to really go at it like I did in December. I’m missing the January deadline for sure. There’s just no way. I’m running out of motor boards to burn out even after stripping the old robot from the previous team. I felt mega guilty about it. It’s name comes from the dog of an original team member that committed suicide before they could start working on it. Stripping it like I did felt extremely disrespectful, but I didn’t really see any other option at that point. I’m the only one here. I could only rely on myself and what I have, which wasn’t much. Now I feel like I disrespected the team for nothing. I only got 3 left out of god knows how many I started with. Probably looking like 2 really since I can already tell the current one I have on the bot is going to give me trouble. I don’t remember if I mentioned this, but it’s likely that the current batch of boards we got were bad. I vaguely remember overhearing two other lab mates discussing it. They use the same boards for the controls class my advisor runs and the students there said they kept conking out on them. Typical how I was fucked from the start. It doesn’t really matter. Even if everything lined up fine I’d still find a way to screw it up. There are way more problems with my bot than just the motors. Funny thing is I managed to record it working once. Moved 1 meter, but still worked. Probably just a fluke to trick me into keep going instead of seeing that my bot is just inherently bad. Initially when I was committed to failing and then killing myself, I told my uncle who encouraged me to keep going that I could take 10 extra semesters and it wouldn’t make a difference. I said that for hyperbole at the time, but a good part of me really believes what I said.