I’ll be moving out soon.
My father may be somewhat stable now but it’s only a matter of time before he has another one of his episodes.
This is what he does. He’s mild most days of the week but he’ll eventually rage again about something. And I refuse to be “the cause” behind his next anger outburst.
No, I’m not some brat, I learned pretty early on as a kid to help with chores and keep the house clean, especially with his temper.
But it doesn’t matter. The crazy look in his eyes will eventually resurface.
A few months back I had attempted to escape this hell called home. It was during one of his outbursts. I don’t remember exactly what we were arguing about. I remember him ridiculing me and shoving me away from the stove. I just remember it was something petty. He went from 0 to 100 fast. On that particular night, I told him I was done with his crap and began packing my stuff to leave despite not having a car or place to go.
As I was heading towards the door, he stepped in front of me and demanded that I give him my house key. I told him I didn’t have it on me and that I had it somewhere in the house. This only angered him more. His eyes got furious and he stepped towards me like he was gonna strike me. I wouldn’t stand a chance in a physical brawl with my father who’s much stronger than me.
I felt scared because he was stomping around, screaming and cussing me out. He ordered me to go look for the key around the whole house. I tried to reason with him and asked: “Why the hell would I wanna keep the key?! I don’t want to be anywhere near you, I wanna get the hell out of here!”
Again, he stepped towards me like he was gonna assault me. He gestured with his fingers that he was “this close” ?? to losing his control and that I was pissing him off.
I knew that i had to keep my mouth shut after that. He asked me to check the backyard next.
While I searched back there, I thought maybe I should escape through the backyard gate because at this point my father was in a furious rage and I wasn’t sure that I was gonna ever find that key.
I eventually did find the stupid key and handed it to him.
And to my surprise, he insisted that I stay. He then warned me that if I left, I wouldn’t be able to come back again.
I said I was done with him and then he screamed: “THEN GET THE F*** OUT! GET THE F*** OUT”
So that’s what I did.
I barely squeezed my way out the door with my two fully loaded backpacks, a luggage, an electric kick scooter and 4 other heavy bags filled with books, clothing, tools and electronics.
As I walked out and closed the door behind me, I immediately felt the cold and unkind breeze of winter.
I knew it was gonna be a long night.
My back was already aching from the amount of weight I was holding. I attempted to ride the scooter but it just wasn’t stable enough for me without falling off.
So I used the last $15 in my bank account to order an Uber. My plan wasn’t much of a plan. Winter was barely starting and I knew I had to get to a place that was somewhat warm. Thankfully I had a gotten a job at McDonald’s just a week earlier and I knew of a tunnel near that location that ran under the street. It wasn’t much but at least there I was able to stay somewhat warm. The Uber driver looked puzzled when he realized my destination wasn’t much of a destination but he didn’t say anything about it.
I spent 7 hours out there. I ignored all the phone calls from my father until I didn’t because the cold weather became too much. And with all my belongings just sitting out where strangers could steal em’ I realized I couldn’t survive out there like this. I hadn’t even gotten paid yet.
I eventually gave in and told my father where I was and he came to pick me up.
The ride back home was awkward but my father was no longer angry. He just awkwardly asked if I saw any coyotes. I told him I heard a pack of them nearby.
Anyway, ever since that night, my father has been less intrusive and less of a douchebag but the fact that it even had to get that far in order to get a little respect and autonomy is ridiculous.
I’m not sure I really understand my father, I don’t think I ever really will. I am grateful that he’s provided the basics like food and shelter all my life but he also provided lots of chaos throughout my life. Made me feel small, weak and powerless.
I started feeling like a robot at the age of 11. I refused to be human for all those years just to avoid feeling emotion.
Alcohol helped accomplish that even more for 9 years after my 18th birthday.
Now I’m 28 and I’m ready to cut ties with him.
3 comments
It sounds like he’s got something else, like a substance abuse problem or maybe even brain injury…. did you know brain injury can make someone violent and entirely un-empathetic? Things I learned working in a psych ward.
In any case I think you’re right to cut him out of your life, it sounds like he’s a toxic influence.
I’m just over here thinking the same thing I always think when people behave that badly; what does it take for someone to turn it around? I have met a few that only do it when they are literally near death, stubborn jerks.
Nope, I’m the one with a substance abuse problem. I’m sober right now but he makes me want to drink everyday.
He’s a sober asshole.
Wish I could excuse his behavior as a symptom of drinking but nope he’s 100% conscious of what he’s doing.
I have a feeling he’s one of those stubborn types. And I’m done wasting my years away in fear and painful patience for him to change. He can waste his life being an insufferable man. But I still got a life to live.
He’s glued to the TV all the time and does nothing but complain about world issues he has no control over.
And if it isn’t the news, it’s something like tearing me a new one just because I mistakenly put a can of soda in the trash instead of the recycling bucket.
He lives in fear and is often telling me toxic things like that I should be careful with white people because they can be racist. I’ve met very few racist people throughout my life but they don’t make me want to avoid ALL white people.
That’s no way to live. I just don’t understand why he chose to live here if he can’t stand white people. He rarely leaves the house.
He wants me to have his same toxic outlook on people and life.
Misery loves company and he’s upset that I’m rejecting his energy.
Well, I would start it off with a curse word due to both the surprise and… exasperation at hearing how he was during this sequence of events, but to put it in a better sense, heck. I thought my situation was bad, I didn’t know your situation was this similar, but also terrifyingly worse in terms of your actual circumstances.
Not even a hundred or so in your bank account and you had to consider THAT of all things still. In which, apparently you’d want a few thousand before booking it to secure housing and a job in time wherever you go if you don’t already have those things lined up, but still, wow. The behavior you mentioned in terms of what he displayed towards you is absolutely frightening in my eyes and at that rate I would have probably left before I “legally had the right to” if I saw that kind of stuff beforehand. Hell, I think my situation is downright terrible and I try not to stay for longer than I have to, I know that I would choose not to hold out in comparison to just looking at my odds yet again, even if I’m pretty much saving thousands of dollars per month on food and housing alongside any utilities, but I know that despite that these situations are not very clear cut if ever.
Nonetheless, if you can get out now and it’s on somewhat good terms, I’d agree with you there, you should do that ASAP. Only reason I haven’t done so myself is because *somehow* for the past three months I’ve been held back from employment (mostly due to myself and how I spent my time, I’d admit), alongside considering all the potential expenses and risks, but generally it’s best to accept that such “free” (to whatever extent) provisions by whoever you live under should never be relied upon, the majority of people at least one reason or another choose not to.
I guess another way to view it is that even if it opens the wound more, you have to remove whatever is inside in order to close said wound back up and let it heal I’d assume. May be “worse off” in the short term (assuming your parents were financially responsible even or allowed you enough freedom while staying under them) but it’s dependable even if you don’t view yourself to be that. You may not be for whatever reasons you think of, but you nonetheless are able to rely the most on yourself, gambling in terms of high stakes and odds outside of your control potentially has too much of a chance to go south for what you risk. Building things on your own on the other hand, and you’re likely left with more even in the short term, although that’s just an assumption and we’ll have to see.