Can’t say anything’s changed. I don’t know if I know how to be okay or not. I’m falling into habits again, as I always seem to when I know someone and they’re around long enough. Its ridiculous and it’s something I’m very frustrated about. It’s like I’ve not even changed at all. I’m the same parasite I always was. I dont know how to like- not be? But I’ve decided if me feeling ok requires dragging others down, I’ll pass. Because that’s just not ok, obviously. This shit needs to stop. Hell, it’s part of why I used this place as frequently as I did/do.
I was working on a plan and everything, too, and figured once I saved just enough $ for a few options I’d take what I could get. Was gonna drive off and just not come back. Dont want people walking in on shit, after all. Naturally it all got ruined bc I’m a desperate idiot. But I’d say that’s pretty average for me at this point.
Work sucks super hard, but I think it’s just ’cause I’m not very capable. I do my best. Body hates me for it. Still try though. People here- residents depend on it. A lot of them are suicidal. Even if it’s just ideation. Just in constant pain and they hate this place. Someone tonight was crying saying she wanted the pain to stop and that her life doesnt have any value anymore. Did my best to comfort her. Have done so w quite a few here, but I’m terrible at it. And it seems I’m not very good at looking at death. I cant say I’m outwardly uncomfortable as it is I block a lot of it out, but still. Which is shitty of me. As are the mistakes I’ve made in the 3 months I’ve been here. Other people can do it right, why cant I? I can understand why coworkers dont like me/talk shit about me. I’m dumb and slow as shit, I dont like me either. I guess they’re trying to pin shit on me and higher ups are considering putting me on days instead of nights. Either way, schedule here sucks. Be working 60 hours this week- wouldnt if I didnt do a shift switch w someone, but I cant leave the other person in their own with 40 residents. I have to do so twice in my (usual) 4 night work week and it’s awful. Is what it is, but I cant knowingly leave someone w that. Its not even that bad, I’m just too weak to handle literally anything apparently. Pretty ashamed of it. I’m really ashamed of a lot of things, but way too tired to put it all here atm.
I knew this would happen a year ago when I was still holed up in my room at my moms. Not a damn thing I didnt ask for inevitably by being the fool I am. I knew it’d crash and get worse, and in most ways it has. I have no one to blame but myself and I’m very aware of it. I’m not some good person that the world is somehow against, I’m quite literally just another nobody when I’m not being my parasitic self. And people I think sense it, they have to, dont they? I mean theres a reason I cant seem to make friends for shit right? That’s not anyone else’s fault but my own. But I’m at my more self aware side atm and realize that’s probably for the best. Bc I’ve noticed I am yet again slipping up just like I do every other time. I’m a very exhausting person. And yet I cant really bring myself to just cut them off either, to just do what I always do, let shit fizzle out and then be gone. You’d be surprised how easy that is, at least w most. I guess I can appreciate that so that said they wouldnt be as hurt. I dont know yet.
Body’s my form of karma for being the shit head I am I think. Shit always hurts. Never get to eat when I’m at work because its too busy, living off liquid calories unless forced to do otherwise. I do however implement my earn my right to eat policy for myself as much as possible. I think I’ve lost weight, which is whatever. Throwing up randomly again. Getting weak out of nowhere. I just let it happen. Something always hurts. Think I fucked something up in my back, but so does everyone else that’s worked here. Theres no point in even bringing any of it up. It doesn’t matter, and I’m not so important that I should bring it up. I need to stop thinking/acting like I matter. I don’t need a main character moment, and dont deserve one either. Not sure why I cant get a grip in life. If I’m gonna b itch and moan at anyone at this pt I might as well chalk up the funds to do it, but I dont have that kind of money. I’m just at a loss as to what to do. Not that I ever had any sort of idea at all whatsoever, but still. Just makes me wonder if it ever gets better, or if I’ll just never change and will always be this pathetic idiot who only is alive out of the kindness of just a few people I dont deserve.