14:06

i’ve been struggling a lot lately.
in the end, i did call my relationship quits. after all, it wasn’t fair for either of us. i’m surprisingly okay though, kinda weird. honestly i didn’t even feel bad about it being over. i feel a bit bad about it, but i guess it is what it is.
i don’t know what’s going on with me lately. i’ve kinda been retraumatizing myself a bit. if not a lot.
it feels like i’m stuck in the past. waaaay back in the past. it’s so annoying honestly. it doesn’t let me live my life currently. how am i 27, still clinging on to things that happened so long ago. it seems dumb, but really it only seems that way because it’s happening specifically to me. when it’s about other people, i understand it completely; that just doesn’t count when it comes to me.
i’m so tired of everything. everything is such a chore nowadays, and nothing has been going my way for a bit. in the end, i was fired because of something that wasn’t even my fault, and even the owners of the place i worked at know and told me that. they’re just trying to watch their backs to avoid any issues. i guess i understand, it just bums me out a lot. i’m lucky to be in a position where i can look for a job without stressing too much about it, it’s just not really working out very well.
what do i even do? how do i find it in my bones to keep getting back up? it’s so frustrating, i just can’t figure myself out. for a few years i’ve been saying that i need to work on bettering myself for my own sake, because i’m the only one who will live the rest of their life with me. i don’t even think i want to do that anymore.
i’m sick and tired of living with myself, it seems like rotten work.
and it is.