Usually I think of a title for these, but for the past few posts I’ve left them blank. Don’t have any good ideas. I feel like I’ve flooded the site with all my posts for the past month or two. But besides that the site has been kinda dead. So why not? I treat this place more like a journal than a place to get comfort or advice. I mean those are nice and I do check for comments often, but for the most part it’s just a tool to help me dissect my thoughts. Been doing it pretty much since senior year of high school.

One week from now I should be getting ready for my first day of work. I would’ve already moved into my shitty one room apartment and my dad would be gone by then after helping me move. He does a lot for me and I never really think him. Chalk that up to me being a self centered POS. I wonder if I’ll be nervous. I’ve been nervous dozens of times about internships and starting grad school. There’s miles of posts on here to prove it. But this is technician work. The assessment test they gave me seemed like it was designed at most for a person with a high school diploma. My co workers probably will include high school dropouts that fast tracked a GED after they found working with their hands to be more their speed. Which isn’t to say I can’t fuck this up or that I’ll inherently be better than them. I very very much can fuck this up and end up being a burden to everyone. God that would be really pathetic wouldn’t it? To struggle on a technician job after getting a Master’s a few months ago. Would just prove it right that I didn’t earn any of my accomplishments. Sometimes I don’t know how I can have such little self esteem and yet still think I’m too good for certain things. Those two concepts are completely contradictory, yet I have it all the time. The arrogance and naivety thinking it’ll be a breeze to do something or that things will turn out well and the constant dread of thinking you’re an abject failure who is incapable of anything. Thinking that your relationship with people will magically sort itself out like in a movie and having the past experience to know that you’ll just always go home to an empty one bedroom apartment on a Friday night. That dichotomy. I guess I really do live up to being Bipolar. Even though that’s not what that is at all, but you get my meaning.

Something chill. I’m a shapeshifter. Don’t take off my mask. Wish that were true.