Another low hit me today. I couldn’t get it out of my head. That I was trapped in this hell of my own making. The culmination of all my failures. That there was no way to escape. I wore an angry sad expression my entire shift. I couldn’t help it. My face naturally contorted that way. I was angry.
One way or the other. I need to go one way or the other. Because staying like this is not an option. I either have to become better and be able to reach my purpose like I long to or I have to kill myself. It has to be one or the other. Whether it is from genuine inability or laziness and unwillingness to learn, I can’t seem to reach my goal. I’m stuck. It will always be out of my reach. But I don’t commit suicide. Even though it rings in my brain 24/7 day in and day out, I still don’t have the guts to buy a gun and shoot myself. Or slit my throat. Or OD on sleeping pills. Or do something. Anything. Why can’t I do one or the other? Why am I still here? Why do I choose to keep going to that god forsaken hell hole of a job? A job that just reminds me every moment of my shift how trapped I am. Why can’t I just do one or the other?