If you’re drowning you can’t be saved by someone else who’s drowning worse than you. There’s this annoying fallacy promoted by Hollywood and all the pulp romance novelists that, in the absence of Prince/Princess charming, two peasants can save each other. Sure I guess if they’re happy being peasants in love. But if the goal is to live in an enchanted castle, or even just a cottage that’s paid for, someone’s gotta foot the bill. Two peasants in debt will only drag each other down harder.
In the real world, not Disney fiction, those of us who are stuck in the shit are each looking to climb a ladder out. Socially, this ladder comes in the form of a partner who has more money, better career prospects, or if you’re exceptionally superficial has better looks than you. This explains almost all matches. Nobody is going to fall madly in love with someone who’s more broke, more stupid or more ugly than them. Usually it’s a tradeoff, a rich man will pair with a woman who’s more broke and more stupid but way prettier than his ugly ass. Or conversely, a smart & pretty but broke woman will find a stupid ugly man who happens to have more money. ‘Love’ is such a fucking business negotiation even though people don’t realize it. The bottom line is: everyone wants something from the other person that they don’t have. That’s how people ‘save’ each other. (Til their divorce but that’s a different subject)
So where do I fit into this equation?
I’m outside the equation but the same shitty rules apply because I’m drowning like everyone else.
I’m not broke, I’m not stupid and I’m not ugly. So I’m not looking for those traits in a partner to fill my own deficiency. What I’m looking for–what I apparently lack to the point of drowning–is the strength to realize the highest ambitions. This is independent of money, intelligence and looks. I’m talking about the batshit crazy drive to be the best. How many people do you know have that quality?
Maybe it’s not even an important quality but it’s what I’m looking for. And I can’t fucking find it anywhere. I used to encounter bits of it when I worked in the entertainment biz. And that’s probably why I gravitated toward entertainment. It’s an industry full of batshit crazy divas who want to be the best. But invariably, in my experience, they all quit when they realize they can’t hack it, or even more annoying than outright quitting is when they settle into a comfortable mediocrity and quit trying. Maybe it was just a childish dream that they all grow out of. Who knows. One reason or another, I’ve never been able to find anyone with the insanity to keep going, plowing through every disappointment like it’s a paper wall, never quitting til they actually reach the top and whatever’s beyond that. That used to be me. And that’s why people flocked to me like I was some sort of messiah, I had no problem getting dates or friends or followers but that’s NEVER WHAT I FUCKING WANTED. I always wanted, and still want, to find someone who can lead me for a fucking change. My ‘ladder’ is someone who can show me they’re more driven than I ever was, and that might, just might, convince me to live. Because at this point I’ve totally lost it.