putting all my energy into other things to forget

I’m constantly sad. I feel like I can tell where most of my problems come from. who has caused each insecurity. But in the end all that’s going through my head is it’s all my fault, that I’ve asked for all that has come my way, that I’m worthless, that the people around me would be better without me. I work all the time to stay busy and have less time to think. I drink, smoke, and pop pills when I’m not working to try and get to a point where i can be numb. writing this makes me think of how selfish i am by only worrying about myself. every sentence starts with “I”. but at the same time I wish instead of always trying to stay busy and avoid the past and present I could take a moment and just be content. not have to do anything. Males have pretty much left me fucked up. I do believe there are some good guys out there, but I’m giving up on trying to see the good. I’m 20 and have been beaten, video taped while getting attack, raped, used, and lied to more times than I can count. I try to be a good person because i don’t want to be a part of making anyone else feel the way I do. I’m pretty sure no one will read this, but i wanted to put it out there anyway. everyone keeps saying things will get better…but after years of hearing this I’m starting to feel there is no hope or “happy ending”.