So i got reset back to double digits. Like I said in my last post, I view this as a somewhat positive thing. But it does sting knowing my sentence is extended. I’m still going to keep track of the original date. Just because I want to. It doesn’t change anything keeping this time limit and it’s not like I’m going to do anything about it. I just want to.
Spent most of the day with my family. My uncle who I go to often for advice was in town. Don’t think I’ve seen him in years. Think it was Christmas a few years back. But I also spent it a lot with my Aunt, his sister. The one I spent Easter with. I didn’t end up saying much to him. My Aunt and her family are the talkers and I usually just let the talkers talk. I guess it would’ve been nice to hang out one on one with him, but then again what would I have even said to him. My headspace is either crippling existential dread or just robotic listlessness. Just enough to be cordial, but not enough to actually feel anything. I just kinda sat there and made small talk when it was necessary. I’m not sure what I felt was happiness but more so I just didn’t think about dread for a while.
Today’s a short week. I told them I was taking a sick day on Saturday. Doing a card thing Friday night and I actually want to stay for the whole thing. Other than that I don’t have much to say. Same thing of looking for jobs. Same thing of doing interviews that will go nowhere. Same thing of feeling this is all pointless. Nothing changes. Everything is the same. I keep thinking about that gun I saw in Academy. Only 300 bucks and some more for some ammo. But yet I still don’t do it. I’ve been suicidal since I was a kid. It’s been over a decade. If I really wanted to kill myself, I already would’ve. It should be that simple. But yet I’m still here.