I don’t want to die but I want this pain to end so bad. I’m so sick of constantly being berated by my untreated BPD mother and told I’m heartless and unlovable because I avoid her so I don’t have to deal with her constant mood swings and bullying. I’m sick of the only texts I get being from her sending me passive-aggressive Facebook reels or multi-paragraph texts telling me how much she wishes she never had me and that she had a different child. I’m sick of the constant loneliness and having no one to turn to. I’m sick of feeling so different from everyone else. I’m sick of feeling stuck.

I want to leave this life. I don’t want to be here anymore. But I’m so scared. Every time I put the noose around my neck and try to let go I get scared and can’t go through with it. Maybe if I had a gun I could just shoot myself and not have to think about it.