Have not done it for years. Was chopping up some vegetables or my salsa and tried to toss the knife up in a spin and catch it. Needless to say it bit into my hand. But the pain felt good. And the temptation was there. Just like it was when I was younger. After the incidents… made me feel worthless. But the exact things are shadowed…. mental block. Probably for survival because it may make things worse if I recalled it. I know it was when I was a kid though.
The knife just sitting there. Gleaming carbon steel shining like Polaris. Sharp thin edge like a garrotte wire. A small replica of a katana .. Prince Yamato’s katana … the pride of Nihon. Beautiful and deadly like a tiger or a shark. Whistles through the air like the wind barely touches it… simplistic aerodynamics. Inviting me to use it like a lover invites with a caress, or the Dalai Lama invites with his ambiance.
So easy to have it sink into my flesh like butter…. momentarily ending all pain and making the world go away. the brain ecstasy ..more addictive than any drugs. Intermingling of pleasure and pain like soma and pnemua, like kan aku na and kuji kiri, like tai chi and liu he ba fa, like mother earth and father sky in the african legends.
Just to feel something… for myself…. yes compassion is there but no feeling. Truly a ‘straw man’ because “I” do not exist until the pain comes.
5 comments
Hmmm, i keep saying Gordon Ramsay is a terrible role model, this only proves it 😉
I would suggest however not over romanticizing something which is just a piece of steel.
You have a creative talent for words, that is no doubt, but maybe joined/partnered with positive ideas, you could make a difference in the communication field one day.
~ The Wizard ~
This is very nice as a poem/drabble-ish thing. I really like your description, especially the metaphors.
*snaps out of writer mode*
U.N. Owen, everyone makes mistakes. It’s okay to relapse into cutting (I did it myself, yesterday.) But you can survive without it, you have value as a human being and you should remember that.
u may need to moderate as i posted something b4
This was beautiful. Very poetic if I must say.
@adastra…. lolz , nice reference. Like Dr. Manhattan I no longer have a stake here. btw, i did go to the accept link. hoped it worked.
@queenofdarkness
it just came into my head like that. like a wave rushing to burst from a dam. I think my self harm is more for the weird feeling and not necessarily for lack of personal value. although there is some of that in the old noggin. thank you though.
@Disatrophy
sometimes it just rolls out. used to be way more often. I’d be at work or in class and they would just blast through. i’ve read way better on here though.