I do not like sharing feelings. They are very personal and I feel they belong to me, I don’t like wearing them on my sleeve for everyone else to see. In the recesses of my mind, I’m a much more critical and mean person then the one I portray for other people. Why would I tell them what I really think if all it would do is upset them or make them think less of me? And yet, every where I turn is someone or something encouraging me to share what I’m thinking. I have no problem speaking my mind with almost anyone I like about things that don’t matter, but I cannot for things that are important to me or I feel are just too mean to say.
I talk freely about work, the barest parts of relationships, friends, family, all the things that most everyone can relate to. But I have only told two people outside of my family that the reason we moved to where I live now is because my mom died and I had to move in with my dad. One of them knows that my dad used to threaten to sign me up for the navy for my bad grades and emotional distance the second I graduated. And none of them know how depressed I feel and that I have been thinking of suicide plans for the last five years. How can they? All those things are intensely wound to my feelings. If I tell them those things, they would see me for what I really am. A sad, selfish slacker who can’t really communicate with anyone beyond the basest of conversations.
My dad and step-mom knew something was wrong all through high school, but they didn’t know what. They still don’t. When asked repeatedly about my behavior, I eventually told my dad I was sad once, that I had felt intensely sad for years now, and it was so hard to even admit those few words. He didn’t believe me. I’m far too happy around people to be a sad person. I can’t blame him though. I’ve told a bigger lie to get out of trouble before and I paint such a convincing picture of a happy person. I was just trying to slack off and do as little as I could to get by to him and I didn’t feel the need to correct him.
So I remain aloof. I hardly get along with most people my age anyway. I’ve posted once before about this. Basically, I don’t like them, they like me but think I’m a little odd. I don’t try to form deeper friendships, and neither do they. But I’m okay with that. I don’t need to be around people to be happy. I’m at my happiest alone. My favorite time of day is when I’m asleep. I will sleep for up to fourteen hours at a time if I don’t need to do anything. And it makes such a great excuse. When I hide from family or friends, they believe that its not that because I don’t want to talk to anyone, its because I need a lot of sleep with my job and my school. And I’m perfectly fine letting them believe that.
Because what other choice do I have? The truth is too much.
3 comments
Sounds like i could have written that.
Everyone who knows me thinks I’m this charming, super chill, dude who has no worries and never lets anything get to him.
And like you there is no way I can tell them any different.
I am sure my family and people who have known me for a long time suspect something but again like your situation they do not know what.
Sometimes solitude is the most comforting place. Especially when one feels they cannot actually be blunt and direct about their real feelings.
And your dad just felt the military would mold you into something different. And it does work for some. But it is not the path for everyone.
Vent all you like here.
We understand.
Be blunt, direct, and as critical as you choose.
What you cannot be to anyone offline.
I think many of us do need a sounding board that is accepting rather than one we have to assimilate to.
The miltary would not be good for you especially because of how you are feeling they break you down and then build you up its like brainwashing they want someone who will do what they are told without questioning anything.the last thing you need is that it would only break your spirit.so you are a little odd are’nt we all sometimes its nice to be alone i get up early so i have two hours to myself before everyone else gets up.there is nothing wrong with liking your own company i can relate to that sounds like your dad doesnt understand you maybe you should try and sit down with him a talk about how you feel if not with him we are all here to listen
be true to yourself. be blunt. if flamboyant gays can do it and be fine yet be called falmboyant, just say what you want. i live a decent life but am unhappy about so many things. so now i just do and say wutever i want because the repercussions are so miniscule. lose a friend? you didnt need someone anyway who didnt understand you. make better friends. lesson learned.