I thought I knew my husband, but it’s clear I don’t have a freaking clue who he is. We’ve been together 10 years, married 9 and I don’t know this man. He’s been keeping secrets, and I think probably has from the beginning.
A bit of background, mainly for me…I’m trying to makes sense of nonsense. He’s from Nigeria, a doctor, I’m white from the US and a nurse. We got set up on a blind date. Married 5 months later. Me stupidly thinking he loved me. Almost immediately he takes a trip to Nigeria, for over a month, over the next 4 years he probably took 6 more trips. Me, haven’t had a vacation in years. He has 2 daughters there, they are now 11 &12, growing up fast. Immigration issues, paying for an attorney. He became a US Citizen last May. I was so happy. there was no resentment over any of his trips. I wanted him to see his girls.
More background…he’s in kidney failure, has been for 4+years. A dialysis patient. I have supported him every step of the way. Never missed a doctors appointment. Not allowed by him to go to dialysis unless he wants me to bring him something. Refused to name me his health care proxy. Remember leaving that appointment thinking WTF? Crying at the dialysis center over this rejection. Scheduled to begin training for at home dialysis which will require a 6 week commitment from me to drive us in and out of Boston daily for that period. He will be healthier on daily at home dialysis. I thought a win win for us. See, I think of our marriage as “us.” He told me differently.
I’ve applied to bring his daughters over to the US, they’ve been denied visas twice; even have my cousin signing an affidavit of support, saying she’ll help support them if we need extra $ to provide for them. Feeling like I’m insane.
Now the secrets are getting really , well secretive. Not allowed to meet his family here in the US. “They don’t want to meet me.” His ex-wife is coming to the US from Fiji to be tested as a donor. He comes up with money to rent an apartment. He’s got 2 sets of keys, but nope, I don’t have access. I took him looking at the apartments on the premise that his brother sent the money as he’s coming here to donate a kidney. This sounded reasonable to me. LIES, ALL F”N LIES??? Oh, I failed to mention that I am the only person to have been tested to donate, but was rejected due to my own health issues. Not one of his relatives here has stepped up to the plate.
So, I ask him, Tony what’s going on? He’s out of the house nearly 24 hours on non dialysis days. On dialysis days, well sleep, and eat, then out the door. He’s on a mission to save his life, and I’m left in the dust. I’ve been trying to save his life for years. He doesn’t answer my calls, I’m not allowed to know where he is and blindly accept that he’s met some other foreign medical doctors, and is in a study group with them. Why should I be concerned and want to know how he is. He yells at me “It’s not your business.”
I have no right to ask questions, everything is twisted and turned while I am screamed at. “why do you want to meet her, (the ex wife?)” She has no need to meet you;  gee, the woman who may save my husbands life I cannot meet? Are they getting back together? He’s going to be living in the apartment as well, “he needs quiet to study.” Our house has been fine for the past 9 years, a house we live in rent free with my 85 year old mother. Seems like I’m just an ends to a means. I was usefull, now am not. Oh yeah, and there’s the fact that he owes my mother $75,000.   I am the world’s biggest fool. Taken, yet I cry, and still call what I feel love. I am in shock.
Need to make some decisions. End this apparent one sided farce of a marriage. Continue to be abused. Not entitled to know what his plans are, and accept this? Prayers if you wish for clarity for me. Not suicidal, but not in a good place emotionally. If I died I’d be more then okay with it, as part of me was killed tonight. What’s that old Roberta Flack song…”Killing Me Softly with His Love” What does that mean anyway. There’s no softness to being killed emotionally.
Please don’t respond telling me I’m pathetic, a fool, etc. I already know this. I just needed to put it in writing. Just told by him he needs to do taxes with me, then marry someone from Nigeria after divorcing me…to get a kidney. Will he even survive the trip? So, marriage of convenience, divorce of convenience. Fool, feeling like a fool.
13 comments
I don’t think you’re a fool. I think it’d be unfair for you to carry on and accept things being like they are… of course it’s your choice but it doesn’t seem fair on you. Are you happy with him in general?
I love him, but definitely feel I don’t even know what love is at this point. Love is not this. He just came and apologized fro yesterday, “what were we arguing about anyway?” Then proceeds to tell me how much my family hates him, how he needs to get a gun license as his family has told him my brother will shoot him. PARANOID. My brother admittedly isn’t wild about my husband, but is a not a killer or gun owner. I think a huge part of me has stayed and tolerated this because he’s sick. I took my marriage vows seriously. I know he would walk out the door without looking back if I told him to leave. Fear of being alone. I am working it out, spent last night at a girlfriends house talking it out. She’s very pro me divorcing him, but is jaded. Her husband left her for another woman, so “all men suck” in her opinion. Misery loves company.
i love the way you worded you statement. I don’t think it’s fair for me to be treated this way. Am I happy in general? Was, but lately, as I see this side of him scheming…No. I don’t do things to hurt people, and he is hurting me. Still thinking it through. Thanks Trix.
Well, I’m glad you’re thinking about it and talking it over. It’d be hard for me to offer practical advice because I don’t know you or him, but I can listen whenever you want to talk. I would advise talking it over with him, but it sounds like you’ve tried that lots. Maybe you don’t have to choose between divorce or things staying the same… if you could let him know that that’s how things might end up (not in a threatening way, but that you’re worried it will), maybe he would take it seriously and be honest and kinder. I realise that could have the opposite effect, but it must make you feel bad not being able to talk to him. You have the right to be able to do that.
Hi Trix, thanks for your caring. He actually moved out yesterday, “just for 6 months” to study for the US Med. boards…and also to hos this ex wife from Fiji who may or may not donate a kidney to him. It was very emotional for me, and a bit for him as well. That being said, he won’t give me a set of apartment keys, haven’t heard a peep from him. So, leaves me plenty of time ti think.
Hi ML
Wow, that’s big. Yeah, it might be helpful to have a bit of space/time of your own. It must be a shock. I hope you’re feeling okay. 🙂
Hi Trix, just really missing not hearing his voice, no hug and kiss goodnight. Worried all the time about his health. Have gotten text message in the middle of the night about he feels sick, giving him directions to a 24hour drugstore. Got texts today while he was at dialysis, again not feeling well. Tells me he “try” to text me everyday. Give me a break. he spends a lot of time everyday on the phone with his family overseas, but can’t find the time or promise to talk to me daily. He’s “doing this for us.” Time will tell. Hope you’re doing okay Trix, read a bit about you.
Thanks and take care. Mary Lou
Well I don’t know and I don’t want to assume anything about your marriage to this dude. I get things wrong sometimes.
I know it’s difficult to get into the US unless your a brain surgeon or have lots of money they can screw out of you. Even me, the great one would have trouble and after reading some of the things on here I don’t think I would want to.
I am Indian ethnicity but my race is very rare. There are probably just a million of us in the world. I am very westernised because I’m third generation but my core beliefs are stronger than theirs. I’m frustrated by them because we were once like the jedi. We could be strangers It didn’t matter whether or not you spoke the same lingo, rich/poor, we can tell a mile off and there would be instant kinship. We never marry outside our race but British born indians are used by the ones from India to make a better life in the west. Many of us were well off before we came because we owned huge amounts of land but some weren’t. We lost true identity.
Anyway, you have been with your husband so long so I don’t think it’s anything like that. He probably just doesn’t want to stress you out more than is necessary.
Magneto, if he married me for a better life, well, I have tried my best to provide a decent life. Seriously, I was working as nurse making good money when we met, we are bothe the first to have married outside of our race…I’m the second time he has. (!st wife Indian, from Fiji.) He tells me he doesn’t want me to met his family here, because they aren’t nice people. His father’s side of the family he considers superior to his mothers, and it’s his mother’s family who are here in the US. They are “uneducated.” They also tried very hard to fix him up with a Nigerian woman. My husband isn’t a brain surgeon, but close! He came to Fiji working for World Health Org…W.H.O. as an ER MD with a diplomatic passport, 10 year multiple entry. Once we married all that went away. Immigration/green-card was a long, torturous experience. He owns a clinic back in Asaba, Nigeria. His lifestyle is no where near as good as it was when he was in Nigeria or Fiji, He could work as an MD there, needs to take the US boards to work here in medicine. unfortunately he’s in ESRF and needs a kidney transplant. He’s actually on the way to my house now,to pick up more things, so can’t stay on long. Oh, and he really shouldn’t be stressed out due to his health, which I do every time I cry on the phone.
Thanks for your kind words, I definitely think there’s cultural components to this. Curious, what do you do for work, sound very intelligent. Where are you living? I’ll try to look you up by name and see if I can find out more about you. Appreciate your taking the time and writing. Mary Lou
Hi Magneto, AKA D.o. M….I’m not sure if you’ve taken your exams to get your solicitors license yet, but I wish you the best with them. Depression certainly gets in the way of life. I think it was you who posted about Wellbutrin, if so, I replied to the post.
Magneto and Trix, Tony just left about an hour ago for his apartment. He picked up some stuff, used my laptop, as his isn’t connected yet to the net. There is “no need for me to ever see the apartment, the furnishings have nothing to do with me.” Funny how i drove his butt around looking for apartments to “rent for his brother.” Such bologna. He promised me so many times, that while he was using the apartment until his brother arrives from the Land of the Drum…Nigeria…that I’d be able to go over to it, relax, chill out, get away from my mother. All lies. Oh, and he talked about the most important thing to him is getting his daughters here to the US. Said we may need to divorce fof financial reasons…he can’t get welfare if we are married, our income is too high. Just feels he should have every advantage until he gets a kidney transplant, and passes his US Med Boards. WOW! It seems like he’s thinking about everything but me. So, looking more and more like divorce is in the future. Just need to figure out if I should wait it out or seek legal counsel now for advice. If we are going to divorce, I would need to withdraw my application for the girls, and try to get him to sign something to take responsibility for the $75.000 debt owed. Also, mu=y Mom’s almost 86 and in poor health. I wouldn’t want him to benefit from my inheritance if we are getting divorced… community property law here in Massachusetts, meaning 50/50 split even though she is leaving estate to me, and doesn’t mention his name in her will. So much to think about, to busy to be suicidal. But certainly depressed. Cry at the drop of a hat. That’s all for now have a good evening…Mary Lou
Hi
Sorry you’re having to deal with depression as well as all that… I really hope if you stay busy that at least will fade away before too long.
I suppose he has lots of things to think and worry about with himself, with his health and work (while he doesn’t seem to think about you as much). So do you of course… I hope you can find some time to relax and look after yourself in between having to cope with so much.
it would be great shock… though you still love him. i guess you and your husbund need some relaxed talk. with love … i hope this will get happy ending!!
Thanks Cindy and Trix. I hope there’s a Happy Ending ,too. The happiest would be if he gets a kidney donor! Then I think we could would really sort things out.
I hope everything works out how you want it. 🙂