today i was in that mood. the one thats haunted me for 5 years, the mood where jumping off a tall building feels like a good idea. i mean, i’ve been given every advantage. as far as skin color goes, i am not a minority, therefore not having to deal with racism. i do not have to deal with divorce in my family. i am not abused. my family doesn’t have to worry about money. i was born healthy, smart. a bright, successful future is all that is pictured for me. and in 16 short years, i managed to screw that up. i am too ugly, too short, too fat to get a boyfriend, to even be kissed. i have completely trashed my body. and not trashed in a remotely cool way, like with drugs or alcohol, no. as my dad says, i’m eating my way into a very early grave. as far as school goes, i think i peaked back inn middle school. my grades are steadily dropping, and when your friends are in the top ten, it feels even worse. a girl keeps bitching me out in the locker room; i never said anything to her, and i just metaphorically lie down on the floor and take the kicks. i cry in the stalls. my “friends” yelled at me at lunch for being a bad jew. for breaking passover a few hours early. these “friends” are christian. and it seems i’m always telling a lie. for anything, everything. it feels like my life is crumbling, tumbling around me. i can’t stop it. and that is why, 5 years later, i am ready to GET OUT. i don’t want this any more. i can’t see a future where i am any less miserable than i am now. let me out.
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Don’t. I can’t say anything more helpful. I feel the same way. Every time I see a tall building, all I can think is “Is that one tall enough I’d die if I jumped?” Or if I cross a bridge, I think “Is that river deep enough to drown?” and I’m in the same situation, I’ve been given everything. I’m a semi-succesful white male with a college degree and all sorts of opportunities. People think I’m funny and nice, and I’m miserable.
If life has given us such great things, such great opportunities, then it’s not fair that we should die before we figure out how to enjoy them! We deserve to enjoy them! I’m gonna try to see a doctor and get some medicine. Anti-depressants or bipolar meds or something. There’s got to be a way to feel better than I feel right now. I wouldn’t have made it 23 years if there weren’t. And the same goes for you.
Alot of people have very bad things happen to them and no one blames them for feeling bad or depressed. But when nothings wrong in your life no one wants to help you, every one seems to blame you. Its hard when your feeling like that and dont have a reason. My doc said its caused by chemicals sometimes and that antidepressants could help. I haven’t tryed any yet, i’m a bit sckeptical about how a pill can sudddenly make you a happy person. But i’m gonna give it a shot, i figure i got nothing left to lose. Maybe you should try to see about them too, you can ask a school counseler about them. I know it might be hard to ask a family member for help. No one in my life even knows i’ve been feeling this way. I cant deal with them judging me anymore. I’m supposed to be the one who always knows what to do and say… its hard to be that way without any help.
Hello, I agree with knowxone – you would be surprised that how few people get noticed your real feelings without showing it to them (of course you shoud pick the right people), then they are moved by what you said and they maybe help of maybe act the way that heals.
I wish you lot of love and self-respect! Hug-O
There is a lot of medical mumbo jumbo to describe what is happening to you and your body, but even so, the Doctors know so little of the brain and so much of who we are and what we are is “the brain”.
It is a mass of cells so complex a computer would be in awe and yet a simple bump on the head , poor eating habits or even a few shakes as a babe can damage it. The hormonal flux that happens to teens makes a mess of the brain if it is not already in an optimal state in a person who cares about themselves and who takes care of themselves.
We can heal and change our brain by drugs, herbal medicines, the right food, the right Doctor, psychotherapy, happy thoughts and even just talking to a good friend. Even negative thinking can damage the brain and damage the whole body in return. Negative thinking can increase Cortisol and make you ill, make you moody, make your fat cells store to protect you from your acids you make from worry over life. How can you smile and be happy when all of you is hurting and hating yourself?
I am trying to make sense and hope I am. There are so many ways to turn yourself around but it is a lot easier to just give up, it is so true. But what has giving up on yourself given you so far but more negative thoughts and allowed layers of fat to build? (Please know I have been to that place and have been obese, so I am speaking with knowledge)
You did not come to this place all in a day and healing will take time. Please try every avenue to heal and enroll your father in helping you heal and get help where ever possible. You are as vulnerable and as ill as a person who has anorexia. You have just chosen the opposite path. Please tell your Dad you know you are fat, but you also know you need his help, not his negativity.
Begin the healing by eating more healthily and take vitamins. Teens need more nutrients then adults and most do not get it. Try a seratomin supplement. Google teen nutrition and try to eat as well as you can and quit beating yourself up. learn about healthy choices. Walk out your troubles, get a Wii fit, enroll in a moving of the body or dance class or bash the tennis ball so hard your spike will be legendary. You get exerciser and no one gets lashed out at in reality.
The very best thing you can do for yourself is to find what you are good at and make it the focus of your life and perhaps your future. Do some volunteer work. learn how to let the negativity of others fall off your back rather then let it feel like they have kicked you in the back. Make positive choices in food, friends, habits and life and it WILL turn your life around. Start small and eventually you will see the healing in a big way.
Please try the avenues available to heal your heart, brain and body before you despair. Perhaps try to show this to your parents please, and have a chat about life. I wish you luck and positive thoughts.