i was bored today, so i started looking around the site again. i haven’t poked around for a while now. as i was reading people’s stories, i found myself envious of them. i think i know why. some of the people here- correction, MANY of the people here have already attempted suicide. and i am jealous. it’s not just in this online world, it’s in my reality too. it seems ok for everyone else to break down, but not me. a kid i had known for years hung himself in the week before his bar mitzvah. we saw my neighbor get carted out of her house one night after slashing her wrists. one of my friends just revealed that she has been on antidepressants for the last few months. another friend who hasn’t been in school this semester told me that he hadn’t been expelled, he had been hospitalized back in february following a complete breakdown. and just last weekend yet another friend scared us all by threatening suicide, and blaming one of my best friends for causing it. i am being crushed under the weight of everyone else’s secrets, and torn apart by the wish that i could just fall apart like them. i have felt suicidal for the last five years, on and off. i am only sixteen, i can’t deal with this much emotion. every time i try to show this a little to my parents, to maybe get some help, they say how can i be this upset, since my life has been “perfect” and that so-and-so had it so much worse. how much closer to the edge do i have to slip for me to qualify worthy of helping? how much worse do i have to get to finally let go like everyone else?
today i was in that mood. the one thats haunted me for 5 years, the mood where jumping off a tall building feels like a good idea. i mean, i’ve been given every advantage. as far as skin color goes, i am not a minority, therefore not having to deal with racism. i do not have to deal with divorce in my family. i am not abused. my family doesn’t have to worry about money. i was born healthy, smart. a bright, successful future is all that is pictured for me. and in 16 short years, i managed to screw that up. i am too ugly, too short, too fat to get a boyfriend, to even be kissed. i have completely trashed my body. and not trashed in a remotely cool way, like with drugs or alcohol, no. as my dad says, i’m eating my way into a very early grave. as far as school goes, i think i peaked back inn middle school. my grades are steadily dropping, and when your friends are in the top ten, it feels even worse. a girl keeps bitching me out in the locker room; i never said anything to her, and i just metaphorically lie down on the floor and take the kicks. i cry in the stalls. my “friends” yelled at me at lunch for being a bad jew. for breaking passover a few hours early. these “friends” are christian. and it seems i’m always telling a lie. for anything, everything. it feels like my life is crumbling, tumbling around me. i can’t stop it. and that is why, 5 years later, i am ready to GET OUT. i don’t want this any more. i can’t see a future where i am any less miserable than i am now. let me out.